31.7.08
Boss Week II: Top Man Strikes!
The year-long week plods along aimlessly, and this time with a helping of original artwork by ME! Inspired by this Robot Masters meme (check out Jfish AKA Big Man Face's drawing, too), I decided to do my own rendition of Mega Man 3's Top Man.
Click to enlarge!
29.7.08
Comic-Con '08: Shades of the Future
This about sums up the emotions and intensity of San Diego Comic-Con:
State of the JLR Address
One of the chief lessons of life is to never admit any mistakes you make ever, so there will be none of that here. As far as I'm concerned, I have been keeping up with this blog regularly, posting every single day of my life, and crafting the most perfectly poignant sequel to Boss Week in just the right way, pleasing my fans with virtual belly scratches and an endless assortment of musings on both life and what lies beyond.
However, there will always be critics that cannot see these efforts through their own bullishness. Here's one such example, taken from an exchange with the EIC of "DudeBroBlog" (which is matter-of-factly the most frequently updated blog in the history of mankind):
DBB-EIC: dude, the JLY has jumped the shark
DBB-EIC: sorry, JLR
He can't even get the name right. What a boozer! For a moment, let's take his words "seriously" and analyze the points at which the JLR has ceased to be for long periods at a time. Generally, these periods follow something groundbreaking; Earth-shattering acts that simply can't be followed. Could you imagine NASA putting a man on the Moon and then doing something right after that? No way, they take a break, as do I.
Recently, I posted a lot of awesome stuff sporadically. It's very exhausting, but it's not the biggest break I've ever taken. That came on the old blog when I posted an Earth-shattering handmade critique of Brad Anderson's "Marmaduke," which I shall now paste below these words, ensuring yet another 10-12 days of inactivity on this very site!
Till next time, Earthlings!
However, there will always be critics that cannot see these efforts through their own bullishness. Here's one such example, taken from an exchange with the EIC of "DudeBroBlog" (which is matter-of-factly the most frequently updated blog in the history of mankind):
DBB-EIC: dude, the JLY has jumped the shark
DBB-EIC: sorry, JLR
He can't even get the name right. What a boozer! For a moment, let's take his words "seriously" and analyze the points at which the JLR has ceased to be for long periods at a time. Generally, these periods follow something groundbreaking; Earth-shattering acts that simply can't be followed. Could you imagine NASA putting a man on the Moon and then doing something right after that? No way, they take a break, as do I.
Recently, I posted a lot of awesome stuff sporadically. It's very exhausting, but it's not the biggest break I've ever taken. That came on the old blog when I posted an Earth-shattering handmade critique of Brad Anderson's "Marmaduke," which I shall now paste below these words, ensuring yet another 10-12 days of inactivity on this very site!
Till next time, Earthlings!
22.7.08
21.7.08
Otaku USA #7
Boss Week II: The Slowest, Longest Week In Earth's History, will continue, but for now, something for you to read (you have to buy it, though)!
In which I jabber about Gotham Knight and Burst Angel, among some other stuff. Also inside: lots of other cool stuff that I didn't do!
Now, back to working. Later this week: San Diego Comic-Con.
In which I jabber about Gotham Knight and Burst Angel, among some other stuff. Also inside: lots of other cool stuff that I didn't do!
Now, back to working. Later this week: San Diego Comic-Con.
17.7.08
Boss Week II: That's No Moon
Okay, here's the deal. Any days that I don't spend posting about bosses (or at all) are automatically credited to the overall theme, so... that means Boss Week II could potentially continue eternally!
And perhaps it should in this twisted world where a boss can comprise an entire level, becoming a world unto himself (because there are no real female bosses, come on. We'll get into that later). Perhaps this is the ultimate form of the boss, forcing the player to traverse his frame in some bizarre pseudo-sexual ritual of virtual itch-scratching and the eventual slaughter that springs forth.
Some examples are needed, of course, lest you all consider me a lying scab on the buttocks of the Earth. Memory doesn't always serve me perfectly, but I believe the first time I encountered such a stage-encompassing boss was in the original R-Type; level 3 to be exact. In it, the pilot of the R-9a "Arrowhead" (see: YOU) enters another horizontally-scrolling canyon, and quickly meets a large and aggressive ship peppered with turrets and rockets and boosters and smaller vessels and everything else that makes your life miserable. As you creep beyond it, it turns out...
The ship is the level!
Such a twist. A similar concept was expanded immeasurably on the release day of PS2 classic Shadow of the Colossus. In this spectacular title, however, the whole game is comprised of bosses. In remote locations of a very desolate land, our hero (see: YOU) finds towering guardians that are indeed levels unto themselves. Yet, I still don't think the concept of "the boss as the level" has been taken to its ultimate peak.
I envision a videogame that takes place, from beginning to end, along the body of a massive final boss. Now, as each stage passes and the player continues to progress along its body, they will meet larger and larger portions of the boss that will serve as bosses themselves. Taking Shadow's concept as far as it can, the game is the boss, or the boss is the game, or something.
The question now is, "what lies beyond?" Or, rather, "what lies within?" Next time, let's have a spirited chat about INNARDS!
And perhaps it should in this twisted world where a boss can comprise an entire level, becoming a world unto himself (because there are no real female bosses, come on. We'll get into that later). Perhaps this is the ultimate form of the boss, forcing the player to traverse his frame in some bizarre pseudo-sexual ritual of virtual itch-scratching and the eventual slaughter that springs forth.
Some examples are needed, of course, lest you all consider me a lying scab on the buttocks of the Earth. Memory doesn't always serve me perfectly, but I believe the first time I encountered such a stage-encompassing boss was in the original R-Type; level 3 to be exact. In it, the pilot of the R-9a "Arrowhead" (see: YOU) enters another horizontally-scrolling canyon, and quickly meets a large and aggressive ship peppered with turrets and rockets and boosters and smaller vessels and everything else that makes your life miserable. As you creep beyond it, it turns out...
The ship is the level!
Such a twist. A similar concept was expanded immeasurably on the release day of PS2 classic Shadow of the Colossus. In this spectacular title, however, the whole game is comprised of bosses. In remote locations of a very desolate land, our hero (see: YOU) finds towering guardians that are indeed levels unto themselves. Yet, I still don't think the concept of "the boss as the level" has been taken to its ultimate peak.
I envision a videogame that takes place, from beginning to end, along the body of a massive final boss. Now, as each stage passes and the player continues to progress along its body, they will meet larger and larger portions of the boss that will serve as bosses themselves. Taking Shadow's concept as far as it can, the game is the boss, or the boss is the game, or something.
The question now is, "what lies beyond?" Or, rather, "what lies within?" Next time, let's have a spirited chat about INNARDS!
15.7.08
10.7.08
Boss Week II: The Check Collectaz
Without a doubt, King Koopa is one of the most notorious villains in videogame history. He's plagued Mario and Luigi since day one, stolen Princess Peach countless times, and has been immortalized in stone in every single castle he's called his very own.
Still, there's gotta be some downtime for even the biggest of hero-trouncing wigs, illustrated vividly by King Koopa's short-lived stint as the "King of Kartoons," a position that was surely heavily contested by the REAL King of Cartoons.
Nevertheless, Koopa boldly branded himself the master of animated film frames (and the afternoon in general), and proceeded to scurry about the town proclaiming himself as such. Could it be? Will even children tread where only eagles dare? Can our youth do what Mario AND Nintendon't? Can your fragile psyche handle the following clip of King Koopa running around and rapping about cartoons and how great he is?
Still, there's gotta be some downtime for even the biggest of hero-trouncing wigs, illustrated vividly by King Koopa's short-lived stint as the "King of Kartoons," a position that was surely heavily contested by the REAL King of Cartoons.
Nevertheless, Koopa boldly branded himself the master of animated film frames (and the afternoon in general), and proceeded to scurry about the town proclaiming himself as such. Could it be? Will even children tread where only eagles dare? Can our youth do what Mario AND Nintendon't? Can your fragile psyche handle the following clip of King Koopa running around and rapping about cartoons and how great he is?
9.7.08
Boss Week II: Expect the Unexpected
The first rule of a good boss is that it should never be what it appears to be. Show me a vicious marauder with an ax that only uses that ax and I'll show you a boring boss! Rather, the player should be blindsided and shocked. When Belmont approaches Death in the original Castlevania, expecting with all his mental capacity to meet the fury of a single gigantic scythe, he's met with dozens.
Now for an example that hits closer to my home: when I met the first boss of Bucky O' Hare on NES (which is nowhere near as awesome as the arcade game), I expected your average froggy battle. The following sequence is a warning for future generations.
Ouch, instant death! Remember, friends, a good boss battle demands that you be prepared for absolutely anything.
Now for an example that hits closer to my home: when I met the first boss of Bucky O' Hare on NES (which is nowhere near as awesome as the arcade game), I expected your average froggy battle. The following sequence is a warning for future generations.
Ouch, instant death! Remember, friends, a good boss battle demands that you be prepared for absolutely anything.
Boss Week II: The Roots of Evil
Since the beginning of time, Mother Nature has been equal parts plague and pumping life essence. This has never held truer than in the world of video games, where rogue bushes can shoot bullets, flowers can devour a man whole, and trees—yes, trees—might just be the devil's tool that kills us all.
When not acting as bosses, trees are generally relegated to background roles, either blinking and moaning menacingly in Mortal Kombat II, or raising their rank roots to walk back and forth across vines in Actraiser. One rotund hero, however, knows the pains of a lifetime of tree fighting: Kirby.
Check the archive photo. Kirby has been fighting this guy diligently for years and years, forgetting somewhere in his pink, mushed-up brain that you gotta uproot that badboy if you want him to stay dead. In the reality beyond "Dreamland," trees are some of the worst bosses in history. Not only are they rarely intimidating—large wooden husks that bark honey or toss acorns are hard to take seriously—they're just boring.
There are exceptions, though. Pictured above is a boss I recently fought in the NES title Athena. Not only would its undulating appendage keep me at a crippling distance, but the fact that it shot the very thing that could destroy it, FIREBALLS, spoke largely of its dedication to the black arts. As you can see, Athena doesn't stand a chance, and in this case, for one shining moment, this has little to do with the fact that she's a girl.
When not acting as bosses, trees are generally relegated to background roles, either blinking and moaning menacingly in Mortal Kombat II, or raising their rank roots to walk back and forth across vines in Actraiser. One rotund hero, however, knows the pains of a lifetime of tree fighting: Kirby.
Check the archive photo. Kirby has been fighting this guy diligently for years and years, forgetting somewhere in his pink, mushed-up brain that you gotta uproot that badboy if you want him to stay dead. In the reality beyond "Dreamland," trees are some of the worst bosses in history. Not only are they rarely intimidating—large wooden husks that bark honey or toss acorns are hard to take seriously—they're just boring.
There are exceptions, though. Pictured above is a boss I recently fought in the NES title Athena. Not only would its undulating appendage keep me at a crippling distance, but the fact that it shot the very thing that could destroy it, FIREBALLS, spoke largely of its dedication to the black arts. As you can see, Athena doesn't stand a chance, and in this case, for one shining moment, this has little to do with the fact that she's a girl.
7.7.08
Boss Week II Prelude: Enter Your Name
One of the big reasons that protagonists in games are such wusses is that they have to enter their names at the beginning of almost every game. Do you think JAQUIO had to type his name letter by letter into some time-weathered guest list before wreaking havoc on Ryu Hayabusa's world? Arguable, but doubtful.
"Heck no I wouldn't!"
So this is the part of Boss Week II (which by the Law of Luster must officially start on Wednesday) where I ask for your suggestions. What ruthless rules of the boss world would you like discussed? What bosses deem thee worthy of merit? Comment here or contact me via the email link on the sidebar. You can even submit DRAWINGS and I will post them, for I am always hungry for content like a giant anthropomorphic wall that halts your progress through a stage!
Ah, the Joseph Luster Report, ever a microcosm of the entertainment industry. Now you can see for yourself, when I have nothing original to post, I TURN TO SEQUELS!
So this is the part of Boss Week II (which by the Law of Luster must officially start on Wednesday) where I ask for your suggestions. What ruthless rules of the boss world would you like discussed? What bosses deem thee worthy of merit? Comment here or contact me via the email link on the sidebar. You can even submit DRAWINGS and I will post them, for I am always hungry for content like a giant anthropomorphic wall that halts your progress through a stage!
Ah, the Joseph Luster Report, ever a microcosm of the entertainment industry. Now you can see for yourself, when I have nothing original to post, I TURN TO SEQUELS!
5.7.08
The Best Movie I Can't Believe I Haven't Already Watched a Dozen Times in My Life
This highly coveted award would have to go to Andrea Bianchi's Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror, released in the greatest year of our Earth, 1981. I'm sure this has an intense, rippling fan base, but no one bothered to make me watch it until Brandon Fincher forced its essence into the deep recesses of my Galactic Ghetto Netflix Queue. Then, upon further prodding, it was bumped to the peak and delivered to my home last week.
The Nights of Terror has just about everything I want from low-budget Italian horror, and an entire pantry of things I didn't know I wanted until I saw them. There are way too many highlights to mention, but Peter Bark's performance as Michael and a handful of ideas jacked from Zombi 2 are good places to start.
A trailer, for those of you that haven't seen it:
The Nights of Terror has just about everything I want from low-budget Italian horror, and an entire pantry of things I didn't know I wanted until I saw them. There are way too many highlights to mention, but Peter Bark's performance as Michael and a handful of ideas jacked from Zombi 2 are good places to start.
A trailer, for those of you that haven't seen it:
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