Where Myths and Legends Come to Life

I'M BACK. I shot guns. I lost a few bucks. I walked the hot coals of Nevada like a swaggering apocalypse survivor. Now, prior to my harrowing journey, I thought I had placed enough trustworthy agents around the country to keep it safe from terror and evil, but I was mistaken, because I just learned that TROLL is returning. Such vile creatures, they'll destroy us all!

Before I go any further, I should say that I don't mind remakes at all. At some point in time, everything will be remade into something else that we'll either love or hate. It doesn't really matter. Remakes aren't the End Times sign of Hollywood like everyone enjoys imagining them to be, but I'm really wondering how this one is going to work outside of some Spiderwick Chronicles type of flick. As much as 2008 has been like a bonus slice of the 1980s, the horror world is definitely not the same.

If you've never seen the original, just look at this cover and tell me whether it's a kids movie, a niche porno, or a Labyrinth spin-off starring Hoggle. Also, let me know when they start remaking Troll 2.

Hot Days with Toshio Saito

Uuuuuzuuuumaaaakiiiiiiiii. I pulled this snail off after checking it out, but it was all melted and junk. Lately, everything I touch melts, be it donuts, candy, or even snails, so WATCH OUT.

I'm getting a lot of work done before leaving for Vegas tomorrow morning, so there's a good chance you'll be looking at this image for the next 5 days or so. Enjoy!

The Devil Machine

This thing has been sitting out front all week, pounding logs into the ground so loud it sounds like two Transformers making sweet love in the street.


It pounds in the ground with the sound of a hellhound, for it is... THE DEVIL MACHINE!
Only rain can drain its primordial brain of the hunger it holds for pain, for it is... THE DEVIL MACHINE!
A workman sits inside its head, making sure the bastard beast is fed, for it is... THE DEVIL MACHINE!
Bursting forth from Hell's grimy gate, YOU'RE the next meal on its slimy plate, for it is... THE DEVIL MACHINE!

"Oh, I'll tell ya the machine's secret all right. In fact, why don't we go for a little RIDE!"


SHRIEEEEEEEEEEK!!!

Witness... pulse pounding terror that will bind your spine.
And DRAMA... that will bend your mind.

"Don't look at me -- I didn't build the damn thing, MAN!"

Starring John Saxon, Fred Williamson, David Hess, and featuring Rick Baker's thrilling effects that bring to life the relentless terror of... THE DEVIL MACHINE!

Netflix Sez

Expect a full report soon.

Ho-Boll-Ken

Finally, my current location (Hoboken) and curious obsession (Uwe Boll news) have been married today in gaming blogs nationwide. There's nothing better than reading what the good ol' mayor of Hoboken thinks of Boll's latest flick, which was party to the kind of mass exodus usually associated with post-apocalyptic futures. This will no doubt make Boll simultaneously furious and ecstatic.

Director Uwe Boll feels his film should provoke people.

"Being politically correct, let's say, the big studios are kind of overdoing it," Boll said. "I feel it is time now to make a really wild movie, something over the top."

I've got an idea for a big Boll publicity stunt that involves yet another critic trashing his movies. As a result, Boll challenges him and others to a second set of rounds in the boxing ring, once again denying them training. However, it turns out that all of the "critics" are actually one man with many pen names:

This One's For You, Itagaki

As some of you may have read, badass developer Tomonobu Itagaki left AND sued Tecmo on the eve of Ninja Gaiden II's launch. Here's my personal message to the man:

Completely Ridiculous Podcast of the Month

This month's C.R.P. belongs to the folks at Dragonball - The Movie. No, it's not a production show detailing behind the scenes action, it's dudes with no connection to the movie sitting around pontificating on what the outcome will be. A Futurecast, if you will. From the new episode synopsis:

This episode was recorded last monday with Trunks, Craig, myself and JP. In it, we discussed a wide variety of topics such as how we want the movie to start, what we thought of the latest pictures, what we think of the cast, and so on.

Think about that for a minute, then listen if you dare!

"Huh?"

The Strangers (2008)

Cool poster, dull movie.