Come On!

Post #500

Had the stars been properly aligned, the Free Wesley Snipes post (one containing virtually zero content) would have been the 500th post on this blog of blogs; this effervescent cavern in which, if one were to try hard enough, one might be able to catch a whiff of my "underwears."

Yet, while Wesley sits stewing, contemplating his future behind bars—a fate from which he can be saved... BY YOU—I sit here on a fine Monday morning, thinking about what could possibly comprise my 500th post. Perhaps, just as it all began (though nitpicking fans will be quick to point out that the forthcoming link is actually post #2), I could post an exciting and titillating video that is sure to rouse the fires of your youthful loins (video since removed/fires doused).


I could always join the rest of the internet in a fit of excitement over Grand Theft Auto IV's looming release, dancing savagely to what I imagine its many rhythms to be. I could post a photo of a cat; I could even cleverly caption it to capture the essence of some hidden humor. I could actually finish that top 5 game soundtracks countdown, start a new Boss Week, or conjure a Slamm Dunk cover from the recesses of America's collective consciousness.

I had the same conundrum with the 400th post, and while I probably should have taken the hint not to pay attention to the post numbers, I still ended up talking about The Milkman Cometh, so we can chalk that one up as a win/win situation.

Actually, looking over that one again, I don't think I'll be able to top Robert Forster this morning, so you're on your own! Expect a few of my vague promises to come to fruition in the coming days, weeks, or months!

FREE WESLEY

Raspberry Beret

I never thought I'd see a modern gaming rag with Splatterhouse on the cover, but it seems EGM has that covered now. I shouldn't be too surprised, what with all the old franchises making modern comebacks, but it's still pretty rad.


The Splatterhouse series was never really GREAT, and some may argue that it was never GOOD (though I will slap these people with an iron gauntlet), but it's super memorable for being grody and obscenely violent and pretty much everything else that my young game-loving self wanted to play.

It's definitely up there on the all too light list of "Gross-out Games."

It's Real, It's Unreal

I've been on a major Ralph Bakshi kick lately. I know I'm 35 years late on this one in particular, but Heavy Traffic is probably the first movie that I've watched twice in one day in the last decade or so.

Death of a Countdown

Well, as I'm sure you'll all be pained to discover, one of my many fancy countdown timers hath been smote. For a while there, I was like The King of Shekels with an armful of golden watches. However, after receiving some alarming news from Mister Black, followed swiftly by some less alarming but somewhat disappointing news, I've decided that you won't see Midnight Meat Train's countdown until this summer. Both "news clippings" will appear after the image.


From Twitch:

All is not well in the land of Ryuhei Kitamura's adaptation of Clive Barker's Midnight Meat Train. It was yanked from Liongate's release schedule to accommodate a last minute retitling - it's now known simply as Midnight Train - and the rumblings are that it may end up going direct to video with the planned theatrical release abandoned.

And then, from Bloody Disgusting:

Contrary to reports from recent test screenings, Lionsgate's publicity page has been updated leaving the title of their Clive Barker adaptation in tact. The Midnight Meat Train is now slated for release on August 1, 2008. Don't forget to check out a crazy bloody still here. The story features a commuter's run-in with a New York subway serial killer and a horde of subterranean cannibals. Ryuhei Kitamura (Versus, Alive) directed this R-rated bloodfest.

WHAT IF... Joseph Made A Galactic Guest Appearance On Otaku USA Podcast Episode No. 3!?

Would it sound... like this!?

This week on Patrick Macias' newly theme-songed Otaku USA podcast, I mash minds with Macias to mull over the mastery of the most magical man of marvelous myth, Stan Lee, in preparation for Patrick's interview with... Stan Lee! Then comes the interview itself, followed by a very rousing read-a-long of Thor #171, with myself in the role of The Mighty One and Patrick as The Wrecker (who doth attack)!


Prepare thyself!

Luster Monsters 01: Frankenstein's Monster

This ended up looking more like Akira Toriyama Presents Gay Black Frankenstein, but I think the concept is pretty self explanatory. Method: sloppy charcoal usage for the first time since high school.

Click to enlarge. I had to take a photo so I wouldn't soil my scanner

The Living Tribunal Presents: Five Game Soundtracks You Don't Listen To Enough Pt. 3

Lo, humans! I do beseech thine eyes and ears once more!

Today's jamfest comes from the unknown genius I can only dub "The Guy Who Composed Shadowgate's Music." As that likely gave away, the soundtrack of this entry is Shadowgate which, in this instance, is available on your Nintendo Entertainment System. You may also remember the Virt cover medley of this music that I linked in an earlier post.


What's so special about this mythical music, though? I should first confess that I was never very into Adventure games as a child. While their concepts are novel, they are also, for all intents and purposes, novels. That wasn't very appealing to my younger self, to which extensive scrolls of text in a video game never quite sounded more attractive than the Frog and Toad books I so coveted.

Also, the games are written as if there aren't visuals to accompany them, like some grease-mitted scribe made a couple beans on the side by penning Adventure titles after nightly sessions with his role-playing club and the developers just crammed the vaguely related text into the game. "Before you is a monster, fair knight!" I know! Give me a sword!

Then again, you also end up getting serious gems like the one below.


Shadowgate was a bit different, though. It can be a horrific experience to an impressionable boy, one that's only heightened by the haunting music. The soundtrack is almost entirely situational; there's a track that inspires high adventure, one that signals horror, a couple that reek of the spoils hidden deep within the titular castle, and many songs of death. For your convenience, I have personally tagged each track with custom care, forced to forge my own titles for these devious ditties.

Download it here (MegaUpload - 6.24 MB)

Track listing:
1. Song of Trepidation (2:08)
2. A Hopeful Fellow (1:06)
3. Frightened But Curious (1:32)
4. Delirium (0:27)
5. The Adventure is Afoot (0:58)
6. Deeper and Deeper (1:22)
7. Death Surely Awaits (0:54)
8. I Am Stronger Than You Think! (0:39)
9. Skeletons (Trapped) in the Closet (1:02)
10. Thy Game is Over (1:30)
11. A Brief Treatise Upon Wraiths (0:43)
12. Won't Ye Come Again? (1:26)

The King of Cartoons I

Pictures from Heck

For someone that moved to an entirely new city not even a month and a half ago, I sure haven't taken many pictures! Before I attempt to rectify this by taking my aging Olympus out to the mean streets of Hoboken, I present to you two distinctly different images.

The first represents an enterprising young man thrusting his hand in the pool of commerce in the interest of making sure that he doesn't have to walk around the city baring his feet. Nike Air Max 1! I summon your time-reversing powers to give me the power of the "slam dunk" and teach me to "ball"!


The second picture is one of horror, and has experienced no Photo Shoppe adjustments whatsoever. This young demon, named "Rocky" and aged hardly past a puking pup, immediately turned a fully lit room into Hell once the photo was snapped (also, my fingers were over the flash)!

Putrid Pages: Owl Puke

This should fill your grody book quota for the week. While Amazon's page offers a tidy explanation of the book's queasy contents, I rather prefer the synopsis on sillasstoys.com.

Owl Puke - The Book is a kit that contains everything you need to learn about the wonderful world of owl puke. Owls eat small rodents and then throw up the indigestible parts in a fuzzy pellet. With the guidebook in hand, you can inspect the professionally collected and heat-sterilized pellet for the bones of the animals that the owl has eaten. A plastic sorting tray is also included. A great science experiment!


Perhaps they will send me one for "review."

The Living Tribunal Presents: Five Game Soundtracks You Don't Listen To Enough Pt. 2

Yuzo Koshiro is simultaneously the greatest and most flamboyant game music composer of all time. Perhaps you've found yourself transforming the squalid pit you call a bedroom into a makeshift gay night club by pounding out his Streets of Rage soundtracks. Or maybe you fancy yourself quite the game-rip aristocrat, swaying your hands to the orchestral groove of Actraiser Symphonic Suite (probably one of the greatest game soundtracks of all time).


I find all of this acceptable, even commendable. Today, however, I must ask that you oscillate wildly to one of Koshiro's finest moments: Super Adventure Island. Within its reverberating walls, you'll find that this maestro does, indeed, toot his own horn! He also wets whistles, bangs on enough bongos to make DK jealous, and makes a song so sensual in "Essential Vitamins" that Barry White's likely to leap from his grave and belt a brisk, boner-bopping baritone behind the beat.

Please, see for yourself: Super Adventure Island OST (Megaupload)


As is expected, you can hear a lot of his typical influences in this soundtrack. Lots of "urban" breakbeats, reggae rhythms and funky freakouts. Through these compositions, Master Higgins is able to hammer, boomerang, and fireball his way through an adventure that, to this day, remains pretty darn difficult. You can practically feel the overwhelming pressure to succeed weighing on Higgins' shoulders in track 13, "Dark Castle of Living Things."

Go, save the romance!