Seagal is... PISTOL WHIPPED (2008)

This one's a doozy, folks. This amazing new Steven Seagal flick, one which finds him jumbling through a mash-up of all the dialogue he's spoken since his career began, is a certified must watch.

It's as if the writing staff of The Onion wrote a Seagal script and played it completely straight. It's a 90-minute justification for the fat man's existence that has him running hits for Lance Henriksen, successfully wooing a young (possibly blind and deaf) piece of ass, and trying to overcome the woes of being an alcoholic deadbeat dad that solves the tensest situation with a HI-YA karate chop to the neck of his foes.

Seagal could make a mint if he took his act to Broadway, or heck, even a small-time stage venue would work wonders. Imagine his accented, Brando-whisper tough guy talk in an open arena, perhaps one fitted with a pit like The Globe. Well-rehearsed theatrics could even create an illusion to give someone else time to run out and perform sluggish stunts in a restricting, figure-hiding suit.

Now, come on. It's Saturday, and if you're not watching the Elite Eight games tonight (go Cards!) then you might as well watch this:

The Living Tribunal Presents: Five Game Soundtracks You Don't Listen To Enough Pt. 1

Lots of major league game composers get a bevy of back pats and buttslaps, and deservedly so. Nobuo Uematsu? Man's a powerhouse. Koji Kondo? (Deep, nostril-flaring breath) ain't nothin' finer. But what about the soundtracks that people aren't still gushing over at the moment?

What about Hirokazu "Hip" Tanaka, composer of some real fan favorites, from Donkey Kong to Earthbound (with Keiichi Suzuki)? This isn't about DK or Ness, though, this is about a real gem that doesn't get enough spins on my virtual needle: Super Mario Land.


Oddly enough, I generally associate Super Mario Land with the first time I ever came to New York City, sometime around '88 or '89, back when bootleg shirts of "The Sampsons" dotted the landscape; back when Howard & Nester was the funniest dang comic out there about Howard and Nester. At the time, the only thing I was listening to outside of my Gameboy's tinny, prehistoric speakers was my cousin's copy of Digital Underground's Sex Packets, which, when combined, collectively blew my mind.

This was the first time I finished the game (and DU's album!), and I think I may have solved it a dozen more times that week, never any less enamored by the rousing end credits theme.

Here is the soundtrack, zipped for your pleasure.

Or you can download individual tracks from the original source.


Surely the "Chai Kingdom" track helped develop the way that I view Chinese people: hopping Mr. Vampire-like enemies set to the Gameboy musical equivalent of Coke bottle glasses and me-so-solly gag dentures. What vile creature has Tanaka's music birthed?

Slamm Dunk #102

Click to enlarge!

Late-March Luster Time Paradox

The following is a very important story:

Throughout my life, I've always been a big fan of "I'm you" stories. You know the deal, it's not very complicated. An older version of yourself or, well, it could be anyone, confronts their younger self and warns them of some sort of mistake they're about to make. This is typically either achieved by some form of time travel, or pure (and quite queer) happenstance. It also tends to culminate in the older version spelling it out completely for their understandably confused doppelganger with a wall-shaking, "I'm YOU!"

Well, it happened to me last night. This is not fiction.


We went to a bar in Hoboken to catch the Louisville game, and at some point much later in the night, I spied myself—not someone that simply resembled me—but my very self in the flesh, walking around the bar. I beckoned for Canaan and Pat, pointing frantically at "Future Joseph," hoping that I had just momentarily lost my mind. But no, they confirmed it. It could be no other than Joseph Earl Luster.

As the night went on, I wondered what I could possibly have come to this place, The Shannon, to warn myself about. What might happen that night, what dire circumstances could drive me to actually travel through time just to find myself? I had to find out. Eventually, we stopped myself and told him what was up. I told him that he was ME, and that I was HE!

He couldn't have been less interested in our ramblings, though. In fact, after I told him that he was me from the future, he had the stones to ask me how old I am.

"Twenty-six," I said.
He almost seemed to scoff.
"You're older than me, man. I'm not you."


I couldn't believe it. This version of me: fatter, poorly dressed, ruder; he could only be a portent of my future. Though I'll admit this angered me at the time, I've come to a realization now. If I had admitted to being me, the very Box of Pandora would have been opened, rendering our world an uninhabitable paradoxical vortex. Clever man! Even Future Joseph understands the laws of time, ducking away from my group to watch me from afar, if only to make sure I wouldn't make whatever dreadful mistake he had made on that night which was, to him at least, many forgotten years ago.

Thank you, Joseph.

Shadowgate

I'll admit that I haven't played a good deal of the "essential" adventure games out there, but for my money, Shadowgate is one of the greatest. To be honest, this game scared the crap out me and my friends back in time, and I would imagine that, even today, coming face to face with a vicious Wraith would do my heart no good.


If you remember how viciously intense this game was, then you'll surely appreciate Virt's brutal medley of its music!

Insert Overused Monster Squad Joke Here

Rick Baker's makeup for The Wolf Man (played by Benicio Del Toro) looks hot as hell. I'm sure the idea of remaking Universal Monsters classics leaves a bad taste in the mouths of many, but whatever, the stories have been told a million times by a million different people, so there's always room for more.



I personally plan to hit all the classics up Bigwig style, starting with A Bigwig Frankenstein, right before making A Bard's Tale cross-overs with each of them. Watch out!

May: The Month to Beat

Since I am the Master of Pleasure, I have surely pleased everyone here all at once (except for John). If you'll look to your left, you'll see three vicious countdowns, all within days/weeks of one another. I could have uploaded one and then swapped it out, but excess is always in order at the offices of the JLR.

So, you ask, will this just become a lame "widget" countdown blog? Just you wait till I take some pictures of my new toys, smart guy!

The Power is Yours

Okay, Doomsday has come and gone. Now it's up to YOU to suggest the next movie for the sidebar countdown clock!

Doomsday (2008)

Oh man, Doomsday! I don't want to spoil anything by saying who's the king of what, or if someone fights a knight clad in full armor, or anything like that, but I really loved most of it.

If I had any public beef with the flick, and I have no problem airing it after championing the movie pre-release, it would be with the editing style. It's unfortunately chopped together with some pretty quick-cut moments from a bunch of angles, but I think both of Neil Marshall's previous flicks (I haven't seen Combat) were built with some of that, as well, so I can't say I didn't expect it.

I generally don't approve of chicks punching dudes and not breaking their fists and every other bone in their body, but Rhona Mitra is a pretty great badass broad. She looks like maybe, just maybe, in the glimmer of hope's eye, she could take a straight punch to the face and then make a wiseass remark about it. She can also do this without being like "Oh, hey, what's up I'm a girl and I'm tough, did you notice?"

Star of the movie outside of Malcolm McDowell (who has had two huge roles in the last year—Halloween and Doomsday—the latter being the better movie): Craig Conway. I could have most definitely used some more time in his king-of-the-cannibals world. His stage show alone kind of blew my mind, and the way that he ended every scene by screaming in exasperated despair was perfect.

It's 5:14am and I'm completely rambling at this point. After the movie, Pat and I went to a karaoke bar and it was, no joke, borderline professional singer night or something. I eventually did a duet of this Blackstreet song with an absolutely incredible singer.



Let that stew in you for a bit!

It's Here

In case you haven't noticed, the sidebar countdown has stopped and it's DOOMSDAY time! I didn't get a chance to go on opening day, rendering said countdown momentarily useless, but I'm suiting up tonight with Canaan and hitting Hoboken up for a 90 minute free-for-all that some dipwad critic has already said this about:

Imagine the first serious competition to the Deutsche dummkopf Uwe Boll as "worst director" working today, thanks to this mad and maddening mash-up genre picture.

For the record: people like this? They don't like movies at all.

JCVD

Thanks, Umair!

JLR Name of the Week

This is both the first and last installment of The JLR's Name of the Week, because I don't think it will be topped in the foreseeable future. Of course, feel free to send me any names you think might smite this masterpiece!

Vladimir Radmanovic of the Lakers


Vital Information

Side Effects

Right now I have the most stereotypical Walgreens kind of cold. The kind where some poor shmohawk sniffles and sneezes his way into the store to buy over the counter meds and gets everyone else horribly sick in the process. I might put on a large brown overcoat, grab a wad of Kleenex and do just that.

Fitting, then, that I now feel like my very own creation: Grossman.

Tales from the Galactic Ghetto Scrapbook

Will, Yours Truly, and Brent aboard the S.S. Ahoy Boy circa 199X
Jerry, CeRyubral Palsy, and Canaan speak loudly of The New Millennium

Bullpen Bulletins

I've received many letters lately from curious readers, most of which beg the question "Where do you get work done now, Joseph?" First off, thanks for all of your interesting mail, I read all of it personally.

Your timing couldn't be better, either, because I am particularly busy this week! Between personal projects and work, the mighty kitchen table you see below will essentially be my concrete fixture for the foreseeable future:

I can only hope Kirby's wise words will help guide me through all of this!