Wart/Tryclyde 2008

Alright Nintendo, we all know how tough and cool Bowser/King Koopa is. Now that you got another generation of kiddies acquainted with your big bucks baddie, I think it's time to bring back your most under-appreciated villain of all time: Wart.



I know that you might not consider Super Mario Bros. 2 a "proper" Mario game, but Shyguys are some of the only enemies therein that don't still get the shaft to this day. The rogues gallery for 2 is pretty incredible, and it's hard to choose a running partner-in-crime for Wart when villains like Mouser are the contenders (he's kind of a terrorist, though).


Nevertheless, I'm going to nominate Tryclyde for this coveted honor. With these two madmen-in-cahoots fronting the next game's story, I think we'll have another platforming classic on our hands. Imagine the orchestral arrangements of SMB2 tunes!

Instruction Manuals 01: Contra 4

I'm sure you all know by now that Contra 4 is an amazing follow-up to The Alien Wars, letting us all forget about some of the more lackluster sequels and get on with the shooting and the jumping and all the fun 2-dimensional junk we love. It's also really hard, but not to the point of outright frustration. It's worth digging into the Challenges just to unlock the NES versions of Contra and Super C (which are much better than the arcade originals that infect XBL).

But how does the booklet fare? It's certainly got a legacy to live up to with its roots in Ye Olde days of gaming. I stated the criteria for manual reviews before, so lets dig in!


Colour: There is none aside from the cover. This may put it a step above Capcom's old blue-cover booklets, but it's still unacceptable.

Plot Details: Not only does page 5 catch you up on the series' lore, but the following turn presents you with the story of the game at hand. Pros: Nice and concise, fun to read. Cons: Very little accompanying art, not enough exclamation points!

Artwork: The art of Contra 4 is pretty great as it is. Just check out their rockin' official site if you don't believe me. It hardly shines in the manual, though. Even the character bios are only adorned with tiny illustrations of their manly visages (however, the title above that section is worth noting: Contra Guys: The Dudes Without Shirts).


Enemy Profiles/Accessory Lists: The weapons section is paltry at best and downright shameful at worst. It's not an entirely empty cupboard, but what's there is just a list that outlines each gun with a sentence of description. They get points for including an essential enemy section, but lose them right away for having odd, blurry pictures that might as well be Rorschach tests. Also included: images and descriptions of each stage.

Overall it's a pretty mediocre companion piece to a terrific product.

RATING


out of 5 game cassettes

Boy's Noise OR Symphony of My Rectum

Happy Thanksgiving, ya milkshakes! In celebration of this day that has me looking like the exploding chick from Slither, I demand you all dance to this:

The Saga Continues

I just want to let you all know that I got some Madballs today and saw Beowulf, in that order. Both are, as a matter of fact, in the third dimension. Both are awesome. Pics of the former to come!

Can I Please Get a Heck Yeah?

They called them "crazy" for blogging about Madballs.


Well, who's crazy now!?

Sonic 3D Ass-Blast

Since I'm perpetually three years behind most people, and certainly at least one year behind Daniel-san, I've been jamming Chromeo's 2004 album She's In Control a lot lately. Now, a perfectly reasonable reaction to this post would be "who gives a ding dong darn, Joseph?" but I think you should!

Listen to the track "Since You Were Gone," which I've kindly uploaded here, and tell me that this duo shouldn't get to composing for Sonic the Hedgehog games ASAP.

The Worm's Hole

On a last-minute trip to Barnes & Noble last night, I flipped through Return to Labyrinth, which has now topped my list of "Really Gay Things." While the movie (one of my all time favourites) is gay in all the right places, and mostly in ye olde sense of the term, this follow-up looks to be just plain homoerotic. I think it stars Toby, the baby from the flick that has obviously grown up into quite the young dandy.

Gaze into its bosom.


Nothing but the best from an OEL book, which is an acronym for "no one cares."

TV Series Ending Spoilers 1

Now that the writers have dropped their pens in favor of pickets, I thought I would go ahead and do the honor of ending all of my favourite shows to satisfy my own curiosity. If you have any personal requests, let me know and I'll tell you how your most beloved series ends.

Prison Break

They break out of prison again and then get put back into prison after a lengthy chase, and then they try to break out of that prison only to find out that it's the cube from Cube and Ice Cube is there.

Heroes

Hiro wins and he fights a dinosaur and has sex with Kristin Bell.

Lost

The island ends up being Morla from The Neverending Story. It sneezes on some people and Hurley dies in its butthole. The End.

The Shield

Vic and Shane make out for 45 minutes and get married and then they spin off into The Ronnie Gardocky Show because fuck everyone else.

Takin' Back The Streets

...by kissing them!

Last night's Official Movie was William Lustig's 1983 bite-out-of-crime epic Vigilante, starring Robert Forster and a very angry Fred "The Hammer" Williamson. Don't forget lil' Woody Strode, though, who makes sure to call Forster a "nigga" before the halfway mark.

If anything I would say this is a horror flick for criminals. I can only imagine watching this from the perspective of a ruffian and putting my hands over my face whenever Williamson and co. would roll out in their thug-stopper van. Even if they saw him playing in the Super Bowl in '65, or perhaps running around the amazing futurescape of The New Barbarians, I guarantee that all they would see now is a scary, bearded black dude coming out of the shadows with a shotgun.

Step Into My Parlor

Here are but a few of the amusements you'll be able to partake in once my vast castle-like residence is built in the near future, most of which will be located in the "Rumpus Room."