Trick, Hot Eat, or Cool Treat

I hope you're all doing the Monster Mash like some dirty apes, and filling bowl after bowl with eyeball grapes.

Dumping blood on some dud dressed like Elmer Fudd and pulling tricks on some square going as Fred "Ascare."

Mourning Robert "Ghoul"et in a solemn way, with his records on blast and his face on your mask.

Taking children to task on the streets like a crook, snatching candy outta their bags with the meanest of looks.

Knocking on doors 'til daylight with your face quite a sight, from the JLR to you, have a fright of a night!

400th Post: The Milkman Cometh

I was going to save my landmark 400th post for the special occasion of HALLOWEEN, but who really cares about that number besides me? If you're wondering why there's been a moderate dry spell for a couple days, it's because I was waiting, perched with wild-eyed vigilance. Ain't I a stinker?

But since I started this blogger page with a silly video (ha, no longer available), I thought I should commemorate it with an even sillier one. This one is tempered just right for the spooky season, though. I give you an episode of Tales from the Darkside entitled "The Milkman Cometh."

I caught this bowl of squash on TV a few weeks ago, and it's a real stinker doozy. Still, you'll be hard pressed, no matter how foul it may be, to not stick around long enough to find out the "shocking" conclusion.

Gasp! As monetary troubles are solved the easy way! (part 1)

Gulp! As Robert Forster solves these compounded problems with alcohol! (part 2)

And then...

Go Home Disappointed! As the Milkman's identity is revealed!

Monster Month: More Handre De Jager

I noticed a couple more Handre De Jager game paintings that I didn't see last time I posted about him. These are so ridiculous I couldn't resist posting more, especially because the first one below is something I think about a lot. As usual, guess the games (and you can buy prints here):

The King is Dead, Long Live the King!

In a fit of tomfoolery, I stupidly smote my sultry 'stache. This, my friends, is something I currently regret more than anything else. There was this one time in second grade that I flashed my wanger to some Israeli girl and her sister. I did that slick move where you come back from the bathroom with your ding dong hanging out of your zipper and are like "oops!" Whatever, I know you all do it. That was kind of hilarious, actually, even though it was really awkward when they told on me and I got in trouble.

However, I regret this follicle fiasco on a whole different level. Before I raised a blade to it, its newly sentient form spoke to me telepathically: "You can't win, Joseph. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine." Sure enough, as I ran my electric blade across its well-developed exterior, it deflated and disappeared entirely.

But we can rebuild it. We can make it faster and stronger. You, me, all of us will have to pour our hearts into it this time, but it will surely return. I can already hear it whispering to me in the cool Autumn breeze. I'll see you again, old friend.


R.I.P. Cornelius Cornhusk 2007-2007

Spooky Toy of the Day: My Buddy

Come on, these rampaging ragdolls weren't there to be your "buddy," they were obviously there to suck the life essence from your slowly developing husk of a body, rendering you nothing more than a skeletal frame with some pale, dead skin draped over it.



Just look at your "buddy's" vacant yet all-knowing stare around :08. That's the look of an evil conduit bursting at the sweatshop-manufactured seams with a killer's intent. That is, without a single doubt, the last thing that you will see before you die.

The Luster Effect

Doggone, my readers sure are the craftiest bunch of tricksters I've ever encountered. One of you dastardly devils went and snapped a candid photo of me playin' games last night, right from my own backyard!

Bigwig Puppet Reel

In the mood for muppets? Why wouldn't you be? Here's a somewhat nonsensical mish-mash of test Santa puppet clips from a couple years ago, beamed to our future for your lunchtime pleasure.



Bigwig Puppet Reel (YouTube)

Castlevania: Tragedy of the Night

Here's a frightfully bad portrait of Count "What is a man?" Dracula, courtesy of me. This is why I stick to anthropomorphic fish and black superheroes. If I had actually been commissioned by the Count himself to do this, there is no doubt in my mind that my blood would have been very sucked by now.

"Blah! Fangs for nothing!"

Pumpkins!

Embarrassingly enough, I happened to find myself in the farmland of Connecticut this weekend for the Louisville vs Uconn game (ugh). To cheer me up after our devastating loss, my ladyfriend took me to the orchard to pick some pumpkins into which I could carve the likenesses of various ghouls.

Upon my return to Hoboken on Saturday (with six(6) pumpkins in my trunk), I offered my roommate Nugget a challenge: HE WHO CARVES THE MOST HORRIFIC PUMPKIN SHALL OWN THE OTHER'S SOUL FOR ALL ETERNITY!

Actually, it was a friendly challenge, with no prize for the winner (other than the smug satisfaction of being the better person in every facet of life.)

The only rule we decided upon was that no types of stencils were allowed to be used. I chose my pumpkin first, not choosing the biggest of the bunch, but rather an oddly shaped oblong one that tickled me just right. Inspiration had struck me: this would be the perfect canvas for Dr. Frankenstein's Monster!

Nugget chose next. Admittedly, I was nervous. Not choosing the biggest pumpkin was a risky move on my part, leaving the largest gourd open for Nugget to carve a frightful masterpiece of epic proportions on. Luckily, Nugget chose a smallish round pumpkin. The game was afoot.

As we both carved at a feverish pace, it became apparent who the victor would be. As my Dr. Frankenstein's Monster came to reveal itself, Nugget was busy bringing to life the visage of what appeared to be a baby with down's syndrome that in turn looked like it had been possibly carved by a baby with down's syndrome. Whining screams of "This is hard!" and ""I haven't done this in so long!" were heard from my competition, and inspired me to carry on.

Although the match has been called in my favor, perhaps you should be the judge.

Nugget's supremely unimpressive effort:

Canaan Schladale-Zink's hauntingly beautiful work:



Notice the detail on the hairline on top. Quite impressive.

For reference, here are the pumpkins side by side. Don't pay attention to the two in the middle, our girlfriends made those.

Snack King: A Brief History of Fast Food TV Games

Alright, the new version of the Otaku USA site is up, so you can all read my ridiculous article on fast food video games! Run, don't walk, to your nearest Burger King to load up before sitting down in front of your glowing screen.

Monster Month: Sequential Fright

Everyone's watching movies and junk this time of year, including yours truly, but that doesn't mean you should ignore the horrors that wait within the funny pages! This evening's recommendation goes out to the Scary Book series of Kazuo Umezu stories that Dark Horse has published. Start with "Reflections" and then go wild!

Kazz never fails to impress with these tales of dread and, as usual, his most horrific panels are worthy of lengthy admiration. He's also a pretty nutty and rad dude that likes living in houses that look like him!

Monster Month: Gimme Dat Turkey Leg!

Wired's television game blog Game|Life has a great interview up between Chris Kohler and Castlevania producer Koji Igarashi. Actually, the best part is definitely the following:

WN: Last question. Why does Dracula keep putting meat inside the walls of his castle?

KI: You should ask, why do they eat it! I've thought about this stuff. I've actually thought about the candles. The candles are people's souls that were taken by Death or by the vampires. In Japan there are candles that represent life. So, when you release the souls from the candles by whipping them, they give you a "thank you" present. Thank-you hearts, or thank-you holy water.

The meat, I have no idea.

Monster Month: Too Ghoul For School vol. 1

If you guys are hankerin' for a good aural fright, head over to the Robotronic Dynamite page and hack away at our very first haunting compilation album! Within its cackling confines, you'll find everything from music to trailers and beyond, all the better to spook you with!


You can thank Mr. Brandon Fincher, the Radical Raven Who Craves Fresh Flesh Shavin', for orchestrating this meaty endeavor.

Otaku USA Strikes Again

For further proof that I don't just sit on my butt and eat King Dons (at least not all day), please see the latest issue of Otaku USA: The Bi-monthly Magazine for Ne'er-do-wells. In it, you will find articles by me and a bunch of other dirty ducks, as well as the television games section that I edit by staring at my computer until all of the words are either "hamburger," "fiesta," or a combination of the two.

Go forth and throw your coins at it.

Rocket Salmon VS Bee Hive!

Remember Rocket Salmon? Well, he remembers you! He also remembers the precarious position he was put in thanks to his archenemy Bee Hive in episode 28 of Salmon Fighters.

My Child, I Dub Thee "Rad Spencer"

Let's talk about the new Bionic Commando game that Capcom is developing. I wanted to "break the news" on the JLR yesterday, but I thought I would let it set in for a bit before posting some unintelligible gibberish about how rad it is that they're bringing it back.

First, I have to quote this hilarious story tidbit from the video on Gamespot. Game producer Ben Judd explains that, since the villains of the story have set up heavy anti-aircraft artillery in the city they've destroyed with their earthquake machine or whatever, the solution is to dispatch "Nathan Spencer, who has been put in jail for assassinations of anti-bionic leaders in the past."

Now, in the beginning of the video, Judd admits that some aspects of the original are too ridiculous to carry over, such as the main character being named Rad Spencer and rescuing a man named Super Joe. With that in mind, I direct you once more to the previous paragraph's quote. I say, if you're going to be stupid, go all out.


So instead of Rad Spencer, a handsome devil with a heart of gold, we've now got this dude that looks like the lead singer of an awful nu-metal group, and an arm that kind of looks like Tetsuo's in the beginning of Akira's final act. Some of the concept art looks pretty neat overall, but this dreadlocked fruitcake could spell certain doom for a game I will certainly play regardless.

Thus, I propose my own killer protagonist and his much cooler backstory. Tex Awesome (pictured below) is an ex-soldier that decided, upon retiring, that the woes of our modern world just ain't for him. Moving back out west, he established a life as a Bionic Cowboy; lassoing cattle with his arm, galloping across the plains on his trusty mechanical steed Tornado Rex, and waxing his mustache under the warmth of the setting sun.


The life of a free man is a sweet nectar, that is until he spies a giant bunker rising in dust plumes from the desert sand in the distance. Could it be? Had Rad Spencer really failed in halting Hitler's revival back in 1988? Yes, and it's much worse than Tex imagined. High atop the now-floating bunker stands a cross upon which Rad Spencer is attached, holding tightly to his last few breaths.

As Tex, you must take your steed onto the fortress and into outer space, battling through eight levels of shooting and swinging action with the aid of your bionic arm, a growing arsenal of savage weaponry and a hip-flask of your very own restorative ranch whiskey. God speed, brave warrior!

Monster Month: Are You Ready for Freddy?

I might as well continue the trend amongst my peers of Freddy-related posts, and offer up the best collaboration in the history of horror and rap. Sure, we've seen Ice T pay the price for sparkin' a doob with The Leprechaun, and we've gasped at Snoop Dogg as the vicious Jimmy Bones, but nothing could prepare the world for a collabo between everyone's favorite burnt-faced bastard and the hungriest rap group in history:

Monster Month: "Laughing in the Dark"

Certainly the greatest episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark?, this is also known as "The One With The Clown In It." Shriek (or laugh) alongside me, boys and ghouls!




Man, the stills on these YouTube vids are killer.

Streets of Fire OST

Okay, here is the soundtrack for the previously mentioned classic Streets of Fire. Ten tracks zipped up with some cover/disc art for your aural enjoyment! Hits include, but are not limited to, Dan Hartman's "I Can Dream About You" which topped the Hot 100 at #6 in 1984. Get it while it's hot (as in before the file disappears)!

Streets of Fire OST (RapidShare)

Podcast: Robotronic Dynamite! #26

The latest edition of this fantastical mancast has now hit the streets, nearly coming in at a staggering two hours! Overkill... or Octoberkill!? Either way you slice it, this second chapter in our Month of Madness is a fittingly full feast of frights, freaks and fictitious fiends. So sit down for a spell as we weave tales of The Orange box, Silent Hill, The Monster Club, and then some! As always, fangs for stopping by.

Listen & Subscribe Here!

Streets of Fire (1984)

Walter Hill should have been given a grant by the government to ensure that he always has funding to make some rowdy rock and roll street flicks each year. I finally got a non-shattered copy of the DVD and was completely blown away. What a classic. Excellent soundtrack, great cast (Diane Lane is too hot) and a lot of straight up movie-making passion.

I was looking up lead-badass Michael Paré after the movie ended, because I haven't really seen a ton of his movies. Well, it looks like he's now firmly planted in Uwe Boll hell! Yay?

But the most disappointing post-film tidbit was this excerpt from the Wikipedia page:

Streets of Fire was intended to be the first in a trilogy of action films starring Michael Paré as Tom Cody. When the film was released in the summer of 1984 (after some delays), the science-fiction film magazine Starlog stated a rumor that the proposed titles of the two sequels would be The Return of Tom Cody and The Far City. However, the film's eventual failure at the box office^[2] put an end to the project.

I wonder how much the rights to this series would cost. I think Bigwig Productions could rock a helluva Tom Cody joint!

Weng Weng!

Honestly, is there anything not to love about this? Weng Weng is a 2 foot 9 crime fighter in the only place where something like that would work: The Phillipines. Carry on you, the smallest dang detective in the galaxy! I love you my Weng Weng!

Saturday Morning Cocoa Puffs

Though I shamelessly stole this concept from Ectomo, what better place than the JLR to get your weekly cartoon fix, as programmed by... ME! Today we have some light viewing that will titillate the senses and perfectly compliment your cereal and/or Pop Tarts.

Update: Well it sure does fit on the page well!

Portal

Portal is probably the greatest addition to an already bursting package of games (Valve's Orange Box). Though it only takes about 2-3 hours to "solve," it has more unique and clever ideas sewn into that time than any other game I've played in recent memory.

Even if were just 19 floor-separated challenges, it would still be pretty amazing. However, it manages to build to a satisfying finale with the instantly memorable voice-work being of particular note. If you're not familiar with it, the video below explains it better than I could hope to without filling up the front page.

Spooky Toy of the Day: Boglins

Nothing needs to preface this video, but I must say that I'm dying to make a Boglins movie.



Oh, wait, someone already did. Wow, what a doozy! It certainly gets the JLR Gold Trophy for Best Use of Exaggerated Shrugging in a Movie. Actually, it appears that the general consensus on Boglin lore in related short films establishes that when one is bitten by a Boglin, they become possessed by or transmogrified into that creature.

I don't think this is canon, though.

Monster Month: His Majesty's Visage

October is truly the perfect month to maintain a mustache; all the more so were there a bristly breeze in favour of the steamy heat! Won't you join me?

Jesus, that picture is begging for an R.I.P. dedication. It's like an old polaroid of a dead uncle I've never met; a yearbook snapshot of that one thirty year-old douchebag in your high school Home Economics class.

Castellari's Law

Directed by the fabulous Umair Aleem, this is a sexy trailer that he and I wrote a couple of months ago. Enjoy the erotic, action-packed polizia goodness!



Castellari's Law (YouTube)
Castellari's Law (Stage6)

Monster Month: TRICKS!

Lest you start to believe that Monster Month is all about entertaining TREATS provided by Joseph, I'm here to provide you with a dastardly trick.

Our story starts with a routine trip to the local CVS, with your young hero in need of deodorant (old spice red zone). Little did I know that this routine errand would lead me down the ghoulish extravaganza that is the Seasonal Gifts section (aisle #4, I believe)! It was there that I found several pieces of fiendish accessories, including these bad boys:

Terrible indeed!

Let's take a closer look though, where you can see why these arachnids truly caught my eye!

This little piece of tantalizing copy got my brain moving. If only I had a hapless mark to play a trick upon. An innocent b(l)umpkin who's mind has been slowed by the previous night's debauchery. Luckily, I share an apartment with one such character: Patrick "Nugget" Sanders! Quickly, I plucked the package from the rack and got in line with embarrassed girlfriend in tow.

Once home, I discovered that Nugget had arisen from his slumber and gone outside for a smoke. I seized the moment, and placed my new friends in places befitting of large spiders looking to sink their fangs into pasty young men:


Wait a tick, what's this?


If there were any doubts as to whether or not my victim was deserving of a bone chilling scare, the gay love notes left on his desk erase them. What a dork.

The trap has been set. Now to go photograph my target while planting the seeds of of a potential tarantula infestation in our apartment. As I casually walk outside, Nugget is immediately suspicious of my camera:

"You aren't taking pictures of me are you?" he asks. "Of course not Nug! I am simply out here taking pictures of my dog!" I respond. Speaking of my dog, I begin to spin a yarn. I ask if he had heard my pup (Rocky) barking this morning, and go on to tell him that I saw him chase a spider under the fridge. Nugget's curiosity is piqued because, just like any warm-blooded American man, he is scared of spiders.

I continue the discussion. "It was so big, at first I thought it was a mouse! Perhaps we should call an exterminator." I sell the idea to him well.

Visibly shaken, Nugget heads inside to begin his day. As he enters his room there is a deafening silence, followed by a sickly sounding "DUDE."

I do not reply. One more time I hear it: "DUDE." Later, Nugget confesses to me that his heart skipped a beat. A deadly tarantula residing beneath his computer desk! The place where nugget works, consumes media, and beats off could very well have also been his tomb!
I run in to photograph Nugget post-trick, then immediately get on the phone to report my victory to Joseph Luster himself, who then suggests I share my mischief with his viewers at home. Rocky rejoices by trying to eat the fake spider.

Monster Month: Where's My Award?

Surely there's some kind of internet award for making this many Thriller-related posts within a few days of one another. Well, I'd say this also counts as the Spooky Toy of the Day, but I've never actually seen these before!

Here's the link at which I found these unlicensed Thriller dolls. I'm especially fond of the second one pictured below: Howard the Howling Hound! In truth, I would pay upwards of nine dollars to call it my own.

Muchos Gracias, Netflix

Netflix is pretty fantastic, but sometimes you get a really, really nasty disc in the mail that is in no way salvageable. A month or two ago it was a super scratched copy of Hitcher in the Dark, but today's was much more vicious.

I gleefully opened an envelope that contained the 1984 rough-n-tougher Streets of Fire only to find what looks like a pizza pie. To be fair, the envelope itself looked like it had taken a ride down a Double Dragon conveyor belt on the way here.

Spooky Toy of the Day: Creepy Crawlers/Mad Scientist

I'll be honest right up front, I never owned any of these. This is most notable because pretty much every ratty, grody toy available during my childhood rests somewhere in my basement. The Creepy Crawler and Mad Scientist lines are also significant for being somewhat of an apex for the "gross" era* of children's toys. This isn't to say that they were the best, but it was certainly all downhill after these.


Now kids just like to play with little big-eyed Jappernese crud; boys that look like girls that look like boys that look like girls. With that in mind, let's take this moment to be transported back to a time when kids enjoyed concocting fake bugs, boogers, brains and, um, Power Rangers!


I love the kid at the beginning that corrects the announcer!




* Of course, I'm more referring to Toymax's 1992 revival of CC.

Epic Battle on the Seas of Sand

Halo 3 has some pretty amazing customizable multiplayer features. My favorite by far has been this incredible pirate battle in the desert. Basically, your ships act as bases that the other team has to take over. Everyone is only equipped with a sword and a pistol, and being on the sand zaps away your shielding (so it really helps to have vehicles).

Here is a tale woven by me via the game's theater feature.

Opposition starts flocking toward our ship

Back to the sea with you!

Their ship fast approaches ours


They waste no time unleashing their horde

Ship to ship action


I dispatch the first boarder ruthlessly

While Jimmy sneaks aboard their vessel

The last of their marauders is taken out

Blue corpse aftermath

Spooky Toy of the Day: Monster in My Pocket

I was just going to post a simple image of these frightful toys, but then I ran across this page at the Corinthian Marketing website. What? These made a European comeback last year? My, and how fancy they became. First the Reese's cups and now this. What a day!


As a bonus, enjoy their animated adventure!

The Big Scream pt. 1

The Big Scream pt. 2

The Big Scream pt. 3

For Your Costuming Consideration: Captain EO

I think we can all make this a smashing holiday if we each agree to have Captain EO parties in our respective villas. Put on your 3-D glasses now!

Captain EO - part one



Captain EO - part two

Trick or Treat: Put It in My Basket

Some treats aren't meant to sit in that bowl of scum that you hand out every year. Leave that space for the candy corns and Milk Duds of our world. Certain candies are so divine one must keep them clasped tightly in their mitts; perhaps in a special sweets drawer that falls under the careful watch of lock and key.

One such candy is this outrageous concoction I discovered yesterday*.


Adorned with "The King" on its wrapper, this fancy chocolate/banana love affair is surely worth however many ¢ you'll be forced to spend on it. Don't leave it to the thankless void of the Halloween bowl!

Speaking of "treats," I saw LCD Soundsystem and Arcade Fire at the Louisville waterfront last night and, to say the least, my socks were knocked a ways off of my feet.




*According to this blog, they were out last year, too. Good golly!

Monster Month: Terrorizin' Y'all's Neighborhood

I couldn't find any clips related to this on the ol' 'Tube, so here's a track ripped from the Special Edition of Michael Jackson's Thriller. This is the extended version of Vincent Price's amazing "rap," as recorded at the voice-over session:

Can you dig it? (m4a)

Podcast: Robotronic Dynamite! #24

Have you guys checked out this week's episode yet? Really? Well, here's your chance! In this very sexy episode, we spend most of our time talking about Halo 3 and movie remakes. Enjoy!

Listen & Subscribe Here

I M A P Y T

I've been listening to Thriller a lot lately. I know, I know, "who hasn't, Joseph!?" I mean, if given the choice to listen to Thriller or not listen to Thriller, I'd like to think 100% of my readers would choose the former. Then again, an ideal world might consist of a legion of corpulent blobs doing nothing but listening to Thriller all day.

That's not what this post is about, though. After all, it is Monster Month on the JLR. I don't need to tell you how bold Thriller is as an album. Actually, I'd say it has some darn audacity with the way it orders its tracks like a rapid-fire aural missile launcher. It's almost rude! Who the heck thought it was okay to follow up "Thriller" with "Beat It" and "Billie Jean"!? Quincy Jones is a pretty ridiculous fellow.


Despite all of the Big Ones, I'd have to say that "P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)" is my favourite track. This brings me to the drawn-out point of this post. I was listening to it on repeat in my car on the way to the post office when I realized that the chipmunk voices near the end really do it for me. What's wrong with me? Maybe it's all the Alvin & the Chipmunks I watched as a kid, but I think that voice is the bee's knees.

With that said, here's some "spooky" Alvin action!

The JLR's Monster Month!

It's that time of year!

Montel has the HIV's

So here I am sitting at my desk shuffling through CNN, waiting for some internet journeyman to send me the latest youtube video, when all of a sudden: WHAM!

What the hell happend to brother Montel? It looks like he had gay sex with Katt Williams, somehow got pregnant, then became his own baby.