Dumping blood on some dud dressed like Elmer Fudd and pulling tricks on some square going as Fred "Ascare."
Mourning Robert "Ghoul"et in a solemn way, with his records on blast and his face on your mask.
Taking children to task on the streets like a crook, snatching candy outta their bags with the meanest of looks.
Knocking on doors 'til daylight with your face quite a sight, from the JLR to you, have a fright of a night!
But since I started this blogger page with a silly video (ha, no longer available), I thought I should commemorate it with an even sillier one. This one is tempered just right for the spooky season, though. I give you an episode of Tales from the Darkside entitled "The Milkman Cometh."
I caught this bowl of squash on TV a few weeks ago, and it's a real
Gasp! As monetary troubles are solved the easy way! (part 1)
Gulp! As Robert Forster solves these compounded problems with alcohol! (part 2)
Go Home Disappointed! As the Milkman's identity is revealed!
However, I regret this follicle fiasco on a whole different level. Before I raised a blade to it, its newly sentient form spoke to me telepathically: "You can't win, Joseph. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine." Sure enough, as I ran my electric blade across its well-developed exterior, it deflated and disappeared entirely.
But we can rebuild it. We can make it faster and stronger. You, me, all of us will have to pour our hearts into it this time, but it will surely return. I can already hear it whispering to me in the cool Autumn breeze. I'll see you again, old friend.
Just look at your "buddy's" vacant yet all-knowing stare around :08. That's the look of an evil conduit bursting at the sweatshop-manufactured seams with a killer's intent. That is, without a single doubt, the last thing that you will see before you die.
Canaan Schladale-Zink's hauntingly beautiful work:
Notice the detail on the hairline on top. Quite impressive.
For reference, here are the pumpkins side by side. Don't pay attention to the two in the middle, our girlfriends made those.
Kazz never fails to impress with these tales of dread and, as usual, his most horrific panels are worthy of lengthy admiration. He's also a pretty nutty and rad dude that likes living in houses that look like him!
WN: Last question. Why does Dracula keep putting meat inside the walls of his castle?
KI: You should ask, why do they eat it! I've thought about this stuff. I've actually thought about the candles. The candles are people's souls that were taken by Death or by the vampires. In Japan there are candles that represent life. So, when you release the souls from the candles by whipping them, they give you a "thank you" present. Thank-you hearts, or thank-you holy water.
The meat, I have no idea.
You can thank Mr. Brandon Fincher, the Radical Raven Who Craves Fresh Flesh Shavin', for orchestrating this meaty endeavor.
Go forth and throw your coins at it.
Let's talk about the new Bionic Commando game that Capcom is developing. I wanted to "break the news" on the JLR yesterday, but I thought I would let it set in for a bit before posting some unintelligible gibberish about how rad it is that they're bringing it back.
First, I have to quote this hilarious story tidbit from the video on Gamespot. Game producer Ben Judd explains that, since the villains of the story have set up heavy anti-aircraft artillery in the city they've destroyed with their earthquake machine or whatever, the solution is to dispatch "Nathan Spencer, who has been put in jail for assassinations of anti-bionic leaders in the past."
Now, in the beginning of the video, Judd admits that some aspects of the original are too ridiculous to carry over, such as the main character being named Rad Spencer and rescuing a man named Super Joe. With that in mind, I direct you once more to the previous paragraph's quote. I say, if you're going to be stupid, go all out.
So instead of Rad Spencer, a handsome devil with a heart of gold, we've now got this dude that looks like the lead singer of an awful nu-metal group, and an arm that kind of looks like Tetsuo's in the beginning of Akira's final act. Some of the concept art looks pretty neat overall, but this dreadlocked fruitcake could spell certain doom for a game I will certainly play regardless.
Thus, I propose my own killer protagonist and his much cooler backstory. Tex Awesome (pictured below) is an ex-soldier that decided, upon retiring, that the woes of our modern world just ain't for him. Moving back out west, he established a life as a Bionic Cowboy; lassoing cattle with his arm, galloping across the plains on his trusty mechanical steed Tornado Rex, and waxing his mustache under the warmth of the setting sun.
The life of a free man is a sweet nectar, that is until he spies a giant bunker rising in dust plumes from the desert sand in the distance. Could it be? Had Rad Spencer really failed in halting Hitler's revival back in 1988? Yes, and it's much worse than Tex imagined. High atop the now-floating bunker stands a cross upon which Rad Spencer is attached, holding tightly to his last few breaths.
As Tex, you must take your steed onto the fortress and into outer space, battling through eight levels of shooting and swinging action with the aid of your bionic arm, a growing arsenal of savage weaponry and a hip-flask of your very own restorative ranch whiskey. God speed, brave warrior!
Okay, here is the soundtrack for the previously mentioned classic Streets of Fire. Ten tracks zipped up with some cover/disc art for your aural enjoyment! Hits include, but are not limited to, Dan Hartman's "I Can Dream About You" which topped the Hot 100 at #6 in 1984. Get it while it's hot (as in before the file disappears)!
Walter Hill should have been given a grant by the government to ensure that he always has funding to make some rowdy rock and roll street flicks each year. I finally got a non-shattered copy of the DVD and was completely blown away. What a classic. Excellent soundtrack, great cast (Diane Lane is too hot) and a lot of straight up movie-making passion.
I was looking up lead-badass Michael Paré after the movie ended, because I haven't really seen a ton of his movies. Well, it looks like he's now firmly planted in Uwe Boll hell! Yay?
But the most disappointing post-film tidbit was this excerpt from the Wikipedia page:
Streets of Fire was intended to be the first in a trilogy of action films starring Michael Paré as Tom Cody. When the film was released in the summer of 1984 (after some delays), the science-fiction film magazine Starlog stated a rumor that the proposed titles of the two sequels would be The Return of Tom Cody and The Far City. However, the film's eventual failure at the box office put an end to the project.
I wonder how much the rights to this series would cost. I think Bigwig Productions could rock a helluva Tom Cody joint!
Update: Well it sure does fit on the page well!
Even if were just 19 floor-separated challenges, it would still be pretty amazing. However, it manages to build to a satisfying finale with the instantly memorable voice-work being of particular note. If you're not familiar with it, the video below explains it better than I could hope to without filling up the front page.
Oh, wait, someone already did. Wow, what a doozy! It certainly gets the JLR Gold Trophy for Best Use of Exaggerated Shrugging in a Movie. Actually, it appears that the general consensus on Boglin lore in related short films establishes that when one is bitten by a Boglin, they become possessed by or transmogrified into that creature.
I don't think this is canon, though.
Jesus, that picture is begging for an R.I.P. dedication. It's like an old polaroid of a dead uncle I've never met; a yearbook snapshot of that one thirty year-old douchebag in your high school Home Economics class.
Let's take a closer look though, where you can see why these arachnids truly caught my eye!
This little piece of tantalizing copy got my brain moving. If only I had a hapless mark to play a trick upon. An innocent b(l)umpkin who's mind has been slowed by the previous night's debauchery. Luckily, I share an apartment with one such character: Patrick "Nugget" Sanders! Quickly, I plucked the package from the rack and got in line with embarrassed girlfriend in tow.Once home, I discovered that Nugget had arisen from his slumber and gone outside for a smoke. I seized the moment, and placed my new friends in places befitting of large spiders looking to sink their fangs into pasty young men:
Wait a tick, what's this?
If there were any doubts as to whether or not my victim was deserving of a bone chilling scare, the gay love notes left on his desk erase them. What a dork.The trap has been set. Now to go photograph my target while planting the seeds of of a potential tarantula infestation in our apartment. As I casually walk outside, Nugget is immediately suspicious of my camera:
"You aren't taking pictures of me are you?" he asks. "Of course not Nug! I am simply out here taking pictures of my dog!" I respond. Speaking of my dog, I begin to spin a yarn. I ask if he had heard my pup (Rocky) barking this morning, and go on to tell him that I saw him chase a spider under the fridge. Nugget's curiosity is piqued because, just like any warm-blooded American man, he is scared of spiders.
I continue the discussion. "It was so big, at first I thought it was a mouse! Perhaps we should call an exterminator." I sell the idea to him well.Visibly shaken, Nugget heads inside to begin his day. As he enters his room there is a deafening silence, followed by a sickly sounding "DUDE."
I do not reply. One more time I hear it: "DUDE." Later, Nugget confesses to me that his heart skipped a beat. A deadly tarantula residing beneath his computer desk! The place where nugget works, consumes media, and beats off could very well have also been his tomb!
I run in to photograph Nugget post-trick, then immediately get on the phone to report my victory to Joseph Luster himself, who then suggests I share my mischief with his viewers at home. Rocky rejoices by trying to eat the fake spider.
Here's the link at which I found these unlicensed Thriller dolls. I'm especially fond of the second one pictured below: Howard the Howling Hound! In truth, I would pay upwards of nine dollars to call it my own.
I gleefully opened an envelope that contained the 1984 rough-n-tougher Streets of Fire only to find what looks like a pizza pie. To be fair, the envelope itself looked like it had taken a ride down a Double Dragon conveyor belt on the way here.
Now kids just like to play with little big-eyed Jappernese crud; boys that look like girls that look like boys that look like girls. With that in mind, let's take this moment to be transported back to a time when kids enjoyed concocting fake bugs, boogers, brains and, um, Power Rangers!
* Of course, I'm more referring to Toymax's 1992 revival of CC.
Here is a tale woven by me via the game's theater feature.
As a bonus, enjoy their animated adventure!
The Big Scream pt. 1
The Big Scream pt. 2
The Big Scream pt. 3
One such candy is this outrageous concoction I discovered yesterday*.
Adorned with "The King" on its wrapper, this fancy chocolate/banana love affair is surely worth however many ¢ you'll be forced to spend on it. Don't leave it to the thankless void of the Halloween bowl!
Speaking of "treats," I saw LCD Soundsystem and Arcade Fire at the Louisville waterfront last night and, to say the least, my socks were knocked a ways off of my feet.
*According to this blog, they were out last year, too. Good golly!
That's not what this post is about, though. After all, it is Monster Month on the JLR. I don't need to tell you how bold Thriller is as an album. Actually, I'd say it has some darn audacity with the way it orders its tracks like a rapid-fire aural missile launcher. It's almost rude! Who the heck thought it was okay to follow up "Thriller" with "Beat It" and "Billie Jean"!? Quincy Jones is a pretty ridiculous fellow.
Despite all of the Big Ones, I'd have to say that "P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)" is my favourite track. This brings me to the drawn-out point of this post. I was listening to it on repeat in my car on the way to the post office when I realized that the chipmunk voices near the end really do it for me. What's wrong with me? Maybe it's all the Alvin & the Chipmunks I watched as a kid, but I think that voice is the bee's knees.
With that said, here's some "spooky" Alvin action!