One More Time, Gents

Tonight's landmark still-grab experience involves our newly acquired Hayabusa armor!

Are you a bad enough dude to sport these duds?

Louisville Nights

Instruction Manual Reviews: Preface

As many of you well know, I am quite the connoisseur of game cassette instruction booklets. Expect to see some hot critiques of manuals old and new on the JLR, so here are some guidelines to mentally prepare you.

Game manuals are judged on the following basic criteria:

- color, or lack thereof.
- plot details
- artwork
- enemy profiles/accessory lists

Now, to close this post, here is your Sexy Halo 3 Snapshot of the Day!

Mowing down the opposition in a Team Slayer match on Snowbound

Halo 3 Scrapbook

I love the theater feature in Halo 3. Basically, it records everything you do, and you can fly through your replays and take snapshots from any angle, and then upload them. You can take videos, too, but I don't think you can download them onto your computer?

JoE being badass in co-op against The Flood

Yours truly getting the drop on some fools in Team Slayer

A most embarrassing position for me to get killed in!

More Like... You know

My original intention today was to document a trip around the 'Ville; an effort to find the most obscure place to procure Halo 3, this indie homebrew game you may or may not have heard of. I figured I could find one at a dry cleaners, perhaps with a preorder given out with every 4 shirt cleanings. Maybe the local pizzeria would have a few in their crane game.

But alas, gas is expensive and I am lazy. I ended up going to Best Buy around noon where, just as I had reassured the employees of Gamestop and the like, copies were plentiful. Legendary Editions stood stacked like the very crates I would be shooting later this day.


Going to an actual store— you know, one that doesn't shake you down with questions every time you walk in— is by and large a more rewarding experience than visiting one of these Game Coffins. Please note that the clerk at Best Buy did not ask me, an empty handed man, if I had any "games ta' trade." They did not present me with a binder in demand that I peruse it to see if there were any "hot games" I wanted to put real, actual money down on; games that do not currently exist.

And now I am playing Halo 3.

Don't Tase Me, Bro!

This has kept me up all week.

Dynasty Warriors: Gundam AKA Hand-Crusher 2000

After receiving this mashup of Gundam and the AI of thousands of warring Chinamen earlier today, I played for about an hour or two and then came back to it later for maybe 30 minutes after some Call of Duty 4 beta action.

It might have been the combination of spending my day alternating between typing and beating up giant robots, but it felt like my hand was going to explode after that second round. I'm not even worried about Carpal Tunnel at this point, I'm worried about my hands rotting right before my eyes like they just took a dip in the wrong grail.


Anyway, the game is fun. I'm not big on Dynasty Warriors, but I like me some Gundam and it's fun playing through the Zeta mode and crushing 'bots as Camille. I remember reading some complaint about it being DW with "annoying Gundam sound bytes," but that's the best part! Set the audio to Jappernese and it's like watching a really retarded version of the show that electrocutes if you don't press the X button every .00005 seconds.

Slamm Nation (1986)

Here's a screenshot from the rare gem Slamm Nation, a somewhat glitchy Slamm Dunk action game cassette released for the Nintendo Entertainment System in 1986. It was given a Nester Award for its "slammin' graphics" (Nintendo Power, May/June '97 pg. 47), but was also heavily criticized elsewhere for its somewhat dubious boss battles and confusing level design.

The highlight for many, however, was the victory animation that followed each boss. Unfortunately, this was ripped off wholesale by Konami with their 1987 game Double Dribble, and the press as a whole turned a blind eye.


You be the judge!

The World's Worst Use of 3D Glasses Award

Glasses that display two-dimensional images in three-dimensions are, let's face it, one of mankind's most important inventions. I used to have this really sick Rocketeer deluxe comic book that was in 3D and, at the time, every moment I read it seemed like some wild Lawnmower Man shit. Forget the fact that I may have been fundamentally retarded; that's not the issue at hand.

Some fine folks in for a letdown
It's kind of amazing that we haven't come that far with this amazing apparatus since its inception. The part of me that thought life would be like Back to the Future II by now is still waiting on Jaws 3D to come a-head-chompin', but the more realistic man within knows that our Earth scientists are far more concerned with making things more highly defined so we can transform our TV watching into the most frightening, porous creepshow imaginable.

Granted, that rad Michael Jackson flick at Epcot came really close, as did the Terminator stage show, but I want this tech in my home, on my face, and out of this world.

Okay, put on your 3D goggles... NOW!
Now, if I had to go by sheer potential, then this titular award would certainly go to the "3D" Kikaida feature from 1973, because it's the most amazing concept ever, but you only get five second bursts of blurry DARK Destructoids at any given time! I want them to jump out of my tube and kick my butt.

However, the biggest abomination of the coveted third dimension spectacle is surely Jim Power the Lost Dimension in 3D for your Super Nintendo Entertainment System (peep the synopsis). I rented this vile platformer/shooter in 1993— a year before which man had two decades to improve upon Kikaida's archaic dimensional shortcomings— but the final product is neither three nor dee.

Blech!
The effect was mostly achieved through insanely distracting levels of parallax, and I love parallax. Not only is it a terrible, worthless game, but the addition of the glasses is almost a cruel joke. "Hey, we made this grandiose piece of trash, let's make it even harder to get through and make the player feel like he needs eye surgery!" Honestly, I blame this single smattering of interactive diarrhea, an act of pure deviltry from developer Electro Brain, for setting back the 3D movement another couple scores.

Games That Are Still Really Awesome, and No It's Not Just Because of Nostalgia Pt. 1

Entry the first: Streets of Rage 2


Not only is this game just as awesome as it was when it first came out, it is still probably the best "beat them up" ever created. Just as its genre implies, your goal in the game is to face off against an endless sea of thugs and beat them up. Genre notwithstanding, you'll never find a better television game starring a vaguely ethnic brute, a handsome white man, a slut and a '90s-vomit urban youth with inline skates and attitude to spare.

One of the most bold aspects of the game is how relentlessly the bad guys farm bosses into normal enemies shortly after you defeat them in battle. In one of the later levels, you face off against some mace-armed robot bosses and box them to the explosive death. Then, literally within the first screen or so of the next level, the robots appear as normal enemies. Pure brutality!


Just look at this cover, folks. It's like a decade manifested itself as an artist and painted a "totally stupid" (in the good way) masterpiece. Marvel as the cleverly named black kid, Skate, kicks someone with his skates! I would love to make a completely serious and non self-referential movie called Beat 'em Up starring a roughly similar cast of fore'er-do-wells.

RD! Games

While it may seem ideal in concept for me to completely drench this blog in pixel art and animated gifs, I've decided to make a separate blog for the newly christened RD! Games entertainment studio.

Check the RD! Games Production Blog regularly, add it to your feeds or whatever you use, if you want to see lots of silly videogame characters dancing around!

In other news, Louisville will face Kentucky on ye olde football field tonight, and I can only describe the pre-game tension as "senses shattering."

Ammunation

Here's my astounding first test-stab at sprite animation.

Better yet:

Time Thriller

I'll be honest with you, I really don't do many "time killing" things on the internet since I don't whittle away my days in a stuffy office. Instead, I spend them in a stuffy room filled with the kind of junk that would embarrass an eleven year-old.

With that saucy image in mind, it's pretty apparent why Pixel Jam's games click with me, and why I'm miffed that I didn't find them sooner. Actually, I'm not, because I don't dig around for webgames ever! Why should I when I'm perpetually working three feet away from a doggone gametopia?


Pixel Jam is really rad, though. You can even control the moon man on the menu! I highly recommend Gamma Bros., first and foremost. I played it to solution last night and loved it, even if I was thinking about how much better it would be with a gamepad the whole time.

I'm also pretty smitten with Ratmaze 2, to be honest with you. I suggest popping that one on (after beating the original, duh), setting the screen to scroll and going to town on that darn cheese!

Gas Baby's Colourful Theatre

Goodness, look, it's Gas Baby! Remember him? Quick question: were everyone's fave babe to make a full-fledged return, what would be your medium of choice?

Podcast: Robotronic Dynamite! #21

Goodness gracious, two in a row!? We had an itch we needed to scratch, and Halloween and Death Sentence ain't gettin' any younger. So, naturally, we talk about those flicks and then open the floor to Umair as he lets us in on his latest project, Castellari's Law.

Listen & Subscribe Here!

Umair: the brown prince of the Robotronic Kingdom

Podcast: Robotronic Dynamite! #20

Since I lack the ability to tell dirty fibs, you'll surely believe me when I inform you of the latest Robotronic Dynamite! episode, right? In fact, it is our twentieth, and I believe this milestone merits some form of celebration. Celebrate by listening.

Listen & Subscribe Here

To add to this jubilant entry, I'll "spoil" the fact that we are going to record another episode in just a hair under 90 150 200 minutes!

Oh, Happiest of Birthdays

Not to you, Umair, but to the SEGA DREAMCAST. Sorry, but one day you filthy humans will all be nothing but dusty memories and the advent of your births will be no more than earmarked dates on crumpled, fading Garfield calendars.

I think your logo is keen...
Machines, however, are timeless! I'm firm in my belief that once my Dreamcast becomes sentient on its tenth anniversary in 2009, I will be a faithful servant that works only for its sustained life force, questing only for fuel to churn its still beating mechanical heart.

I had a big test the day after the Dreamcast's launch. It was my first year of college and I screwed around a lot, but never so much as that evening that I waited until midnight for it to pop from Funcoland's grimy birth canal. I took it home and was wowed by its graphical prowess, titillated by the superfluous visuals on its VMUs, and captivated by the veritable treasure trove of day one titles I had holed away and exploded money upon.

... your firm bodice serene like that of a dream!
Here's to you, oh fanciful white steed on which I rode into many virtual battles; the saddle that gripped me during over 200 hours of Phantasy Star Online, for instance. I procured some fine pumpkin ale last night, and I will most definitely be toasting to you this eve.

Hatchet

"Early 21st Century American Horror"
I peeped Adam Green's Hatchet earlier and thought it was just okay. I know what they were going for with their "Old School American Horror" tagline, but there's not much that technically separates this from something like Jeepers Creepers or, I don't know, another bad example; it's pretty goofy.

The special effects are awesome. In fact, if the kills in this movie weren't so insane, it wouldn't be worth watching at all. Actually, it does have Tony Todd, Kane Hodder, Robert Englund, and Mercedes McNab's boobs in it, so there are more than a couple of reasons to give it a spin.

Surprisingly, though, neat deaths and 90 seconds of Candyman in a tophat do not a great movie make. There's a lot of terrible, terrible music and a lot of Scooby-doo scares ("let's turn this way then turn back-aaaaahboogabooga!"). I can't really picture Victor Crowley becoming a new horror icon, what with the forgettable costume design, but I also never imagined that they would be on Saw IV by now, so who knows.

Check it out on the cheap or free, don't let the hype blow it up too much for you (seriously, where'd all the buzz come from?), and enjoy the splatter and the mercifully short 75-80 minute runtime.

Day and Date

Just got back from the Louisville/Middle Tennessee game, in which Louisville crawled away victoriously after putting on an borderline retarded defensive show. Any Kentucky players watching the game in preparation for next weekend's rivalry showdown must have been absolutely salivating.

Here is a hot pic I snapped of UofL QB, Brian Brohm:

Mario Urrutia, right, stares longingly into Brohm's eyes

Twenty Eighty-four

The last few nights have found me trapped in the cruel arena of Robotron 2084, batting away lumbering machinations, brilliant psychic brainbots and the ricocheting gun blasts of the beep-bop-boop world's most sinister denizens; all the while rescuing the hapless humans doomed to wander these hellish cages.

Let's not sugar-coat the experience, though, Robotron is a game that was designed by huge assholes. The only thing it's missing is a tinny, robotic laugh sound effect for whenever you die. Actually, forget it, that might end up being the insular metallic tubing that breaks the cargo-transport's back.


What purpose does all of this will-shattering work serve? Who has ordered me into the very depths of our future's cybernetic hades? The "score board" to which I am a slave leads me to believe in something much more sinister than the fate of the human race. It's like Running Man mixed with 300, but you're all alone; Gerard Butler in a really gay futuristic dance club outfit.

But even more sinister than this twisted world is the futility of mastering it. After all, this is the King of Robotron to which I must bow down and never usurp:

Halloween (2007)

WWE Films Presents...
Rob Zombie's take on Halloween is a pretty weak one, and I dug House of 1,000 Corpses and consider The Devil's Rejects to be an, italics and all, American classic. Some parts were hilarious, like every line Malcolm McDowell uttered, while others were just bad. Not only did I hate the lame porker that played Lil' Myers, but there's a point at which too much information can be given about a character like this.

Take the 1978 original for example. The opening scene follows Michael, age 10 (?), as he murders his sister, all in first person. From there you essentially flash forward to his escape from confinement 15 years later, and a lot of the missing pieces are filled in by Dr. Loomis' exposition. Fantastic; it's an effective setup and it shows that Myers isn't really supernatural but he's still an enigmatic and intense force.

"Let me tell you what is transpiring in this movie, young girl!"
Zombie's version, no matter which cut you watch, takes this and stretches it out over the first half of the movie. It's slow and about as subtle as a knife to the face. They might as well chop out a half hour and explain that Michael was driven mad from being called "faggot" too much. After that, the last 40 minutes are pretty much a shot for shot remake of Halloween condensed for time, and you've seen that before, right?

It's weird, because it's stuck between two extremes and never really hits a sweet spot. The white-trash backstory made me feel like I was watching a slasher 8 Mile, but then it stops trying to be fresh and just rides it out like a louder version of Carpenter's.

Here's some positive things to end it on, though. Ken Foree's brief but amazing role as Big Joe Grizzley deserves its own spinoff; to be honest, Donald Pleasance was also pretty wacky and had some funny-ass lines in the original; everything William Forsythe said was a complete riot; Danny Trejo as Myer's bestest buddy; and, last but not least, the girls in this one don't all look like they're 35!

Podcast: Robotronic Dynamite! #19

This All-J assault of the senses should serve as your morning coffee; or perhaps your afternoon tea, you silly poof! This week, Joe, Joseph and Jimmy talk about games, TV shows and softcore pornography!

Listen & Subscribe Here!

The Ding of Dong

Here's a brand new documentary straight out of the Bigwig editing chambers! Quick setup: I showed Pat The King of Kong today and it gave us both a hankering for some arcade punishment courtesy of a giant ape. The following is our very own epic tale.

The Ding of Dong (YouTube)

The Ding of Dong (Stage6)