Odin Sphere OR Why the Art of Alchemy Rests at a Fool's Gravestone

A magical, tiny Japanese man dropped this game off at my house yesterday and I've played about an hour of it so far. I'm on the second chapter or so, which means I at least got a chance to fight the first boss.

Wow, the visuals alone are worth digging into it for, even if the combat seems like it could get sort of repetitive. Still, just when I thought I would get sick of the desert backgrounds, I get thrown into a gorgeous and lush forest in the next set of levels.


For those that don't know, the game's combat takes place on circular planes. Since it's 2D, picture an old game like Defender and you can probably get a clearer picture. Once you clear one ring, you can diverge off into other paths until you eventually reach a boss. There's lots of beating people up, but the enemies don't have any fall-back reaction animations, so you really need to keep your distance and stay on your toes since they can strike right back at you.


The first boss, after you fight two really cool Horse-head-like (Zelda II) mini-bosses, is a massive dragon that takes up a good portion of the screen. The artwork on this and everything else doesn't really register with my brain properly. To me, it's so clean and crisp that my mind reads it as some cleverly manipulated 3D trickery! Then I try to digest the fact that it's all hand-drawn or whatever and my mind snaps again.

These are just first impressions and all, but is anyone else tired as hell of alchemy? I've never been a huge fan of it, but it seems like game developers feel obligated now to slip it into every moderately RPG-like game structure. Boring and tedious.

Robotronic Dynamite! #7

Have you longed for its essence? Crawled the alleys searching for some sort of life-giving pod that could replicate the feeling it delivers to your mind and body? Well, we're back.


Go, friends! Flock there and subscribe so that it may rain down upon your chest on a regular basis!

"da-da da-da da-da-da-da!!"

Here's something fresh that should be way up on your "grab dat" radar, if you don't have it already.


This is a sexy little set! It's pretty pricey, but if you dug Kikaida at all, this is a follow-up that really jams in as much as possible to the existing formula. Thought Hakaida was cool? How about a whole Hakaida Force?

Nab it.

Boss Week Postscript: To Hell with Strategy

While it may be fun for a boss to meticulously lay out a plan for dispatching whatever would-be hero happens to be trolloping their way, the greatest of props are delivered to those that just prefer to duke it out and see whose energy runs out first. Still, while it seems a bit savage, there's strategy woven even in these bare threads.


Por exemplo, the boss is, nine times out of ten, at an advantage with this method. If the minions and traps peppered throughout his domain have done their respective jobs, then the hero(es) should be a bit worse for wear than their adversary; likely waiting patiently with goblet (or a jug of Midnight Train, depending on their evil social status) in hand.

It's also just plain gnarly, right? The hero dashes in expecting some drawn out battle and suddenly the two are just lashing and stabbing back and forth until one falls. These are probably the most "realistic" boss fights.


The first games that should come to mind in these cases are the above pictured Castlevania and Ninja Gaiden series, though the former stopped using this technique for the most part once it started leaning more toward exploration, and the latter since it stopped being 2D.

These are what got me on this mental kick, specifically the badass NG2&3 runs by Jim Hanson.

Big Lust's Top Five 2007 Season Finale Listravaganza

No spoilers, folks, just some quick listin' for you sexy, potentially homeless list whores.


5. Heroes (s1) - Sort of fun, yet incredibly anticlimactic.


4. Veronica Mars (s3) - I guess the show is over for good? Great series, but that was a sad ending with little closure.


3. The Shield (s6) - Hell of a season; completely intense and brutal. The wrap-up only semi-closed one major arc, though, so it's more of a bridge to the final season than anything else.


2. 24 (s6) - Though it was probably the most uneven day yet, the 2-part finale was as explosive as any summer blockbuster, and the last scene packed some major emotional punch. I'm more interested in them potentially taking the show outside of LA next time.


1. Lost (s3) - Fantastic.

True Confessions

I've never played Starcraft. Are any of you that aren't Asian excited about the sequel?

Question #2: Are any of you that have a beating heart and breathe oxygen not excited about John Rambo after seeing the trailer?

Apologies for the slow weekend, ladies, I just got back from Virginia Beach. I have a lot of work to catch up on, but, as far as The JLR goes, should I extend Boss Week or move on?

Boss Week: Those Damn Patterns!

There's no exception to this rule: every boss has to have a set of patterns to its attacks. More often than not, these are designed explicitly to piss you off. Some mild offenders include "The Swoop" or "The Triple Shot." I'm sure most of you can picture these vividly, already seething at their mere mention.

Let's take a close look at some boss patterns that have plagued mankind since birth. These diagrams are pretty self-explanatory and, by all means, feel free to provide your own! As always, click to enlarge.

"The Ricochet"


"The Rock and the Hard Place"


"The Charge and Hop"

Boss Week: Dramatic Introduction 101

One of the most important ingredients to making the player horrified of an inevitable boss encounter is liberally inserting the boss, or hints of the boss, throughout the areas before the battle.

You would see this sometimes in old school games; you might catch something stomping around in the background, obscured by sexy parallax– then, at the end of the level, BAM!

But this technique has been employed most effectively in survival horror games. Here are two choice examples:

Resident Evil 3: Nemesis (1999) - Nemesis


The best part about this game is that Nemesis was the most terrifying thing in it. He chased you relentlessly and was always just a step behind. You knew damn well that you'd have to beat his ass in some epic boss battle sooner than later.


Silent Hill 2 (2001) - Pyramid Head


The very first time you see this hulking man-thing is something that probably scarred gamers for years. From the confines of a closet, trying not to breathe too loudly, you witness this jacked-up monster sort of... raping a mannequin monster? It's really messed up. This is one of the best entrances ever used to foreshadow an eventual boss battle. We won't even get into the whole psychological aspect of Pyramid Head's presence, but he's one of the many reasons that SH2 is the best in the series.

Boss Week: Sit on It!

Nothing says impervious strength like resting on your laurels while some cretinous doer of good tries to stab you in your head and/or other vulnerable points. Hell, you've probably been polishing your weak spots for a month just so they would shine the perfect hue.

If you're a boss in a videogame and you're sitting down throughout the entire battle, you're fucking awesome– there's no two ways about it. Let's take a moment to soar through time and peep the best of the rest(ing).

Ghouls 'n' Ghosts (1988) - Loki


Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers (1990) - Fat Cat


Bosses like this are so amazing that they're few and far between! There are a couple more in my mind, but I can't find any images. The most recent badass sitting boss was probably Xemnas in his armored throne form in Kingdom Hearts II. If you can think of any more beasts that battle so boldly, drop us a line!

Boss Week: Bigger is Better

Ever since I was a wee child jamming away on my Nintendo Entertainment System, I had a profound understanding of what it takes to craft an awesome boss: make 'em massive! Bosses should dwarf the player; the more screens they take up, the merrier. I think I first came to this sexy realization when playing the extremely mediocre Wrath of the Black Manta on NES.

The first boss of this game is a giant bruiser named "Tiny" (get it!?). This might have been my first experience of being humbled by some gigantic gay night club bouncer looking asshole in a video game.


First boss experiences should always be like this. It's like that joke about seeing your dad's dick when you're really young so you'll always fear its power. The same goes for last bosses– not the dick thing, but that they should be looming towers of fear. Just look at the last boss of Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts, Sardius!


New games are still managing to do this right. Ninja Gaiden has the Bone Dragon, for instance, and who could forget pretty much every battle from Shadow of the Colossus? Size is crucial to injecting the player with fear, folks, but if Jaquio or Sardius ever show you their ding dongs, run!

Robotronic Dynamite #6

You knew it was coming... I have returned! The rest of the Robotronic Dynamite crew is here, too, talkin' crap about games and movies– all for YOU!


Also, pay attention at the end, because there is a contest! You could win Chocobo Tales on the Nintendo DS!

Boss Week: On Moms and Bad Puns

Today is a special day for mothers, but what the heck does it all mean? According to wikipedia, "Mother's Day is a holiday honoring mothers, celebrated on various days in many places around the world. Mothers often receive gifts on this day."

Thus, today we celebrate boss fights that involve mummies (hyuk hyuk). Rather than exhaustively research every game that ever featured a mummy battle, let's break down what these fights always consist of, no matter what.

Flying bandages! Nine times out of ten, a videogame mummy has but one attack: it lurches forward and lets its ribbons fly! This holds especially true for the Castlevania franchise; a series that ain't afraid to celebrate "Mummy's Day" every day of the week!

One of the best features of Castlevania games is that you know, at some point near the end, they always run out of ideas and just pit you against all of the Universal Monsters as bosses. Rest assured, folks, when this idea was first pitched, it was no doubt a "graveyard smash"!

What's that, Pharaoh Man? Fine, fine, go ahead...


... "Happy Mummy's Day, everyone!"

Every Good Boss Needs Some Dorky Do-Gooder to Kill

So I have to direct you all to the fresh-as-a-baby's-buttocks blog of Brandon Fincher, the legendary voice that can also be heard on the weekly Robotronic Dynamite podcast. In true point/counter-point fashion, he's pitting some goodniks against my burgeoning bestiary.

Put it in your bookmarks, google reader, or whatever other virtual knapsack you use to traverse the internet!

Boss Week Begins!

Alright, here's how this works, guys. I spend an entire week posting about nothing but video game bosses and, as in any awesome game, you get to play, too! Let me know what you want to read about and what your favorite bosses are; you can even contribute your own sexy entry by emailing something to me (contact link is on the sidebar)!

Bosses are of major importance to the structure of video games. In fact, I say a game is borderline worthless if there aren't boss battles. What's the point? What kind of fool didn't leave a giant guard to defend entry into the next area of the game? Developers know this well, which is why, for instance, they spent time adding more bosses in God of War 2– there weren't enough in the first!

This week we'll be diving in this crucial aspect of the game world like Captain N! I leave you with some images with which you can celebrate the mother(brain) of all 16-bit boss fests: Super Metroid!








*Bosses not to scale

Fork Yes, Condemned 2!

Though I thought it to be true eventually, I'm super excited to see confirmation of a sequel to one of my very favorite game cassettes! Why do I like this game? Hell, this is the Joseph Luster Report, so I might as well pull-quote my ding dong self!

From my Got Next review:

"The beauty of depending on your environment's stock is found in the combat system. While guns are sporadically placed and found on enemies throughout, you'll never see loose ammo, so you better check the clips and use each bullet wisely. This is mostly an excuse to exercise your skill in the meat and potatoes of Condemned: melee fighting. Ethan can tear pipes off of walls, lift loose locker doors, and slice with paper cutter blades; and this is just scratching the surface."


"Condemned is exhausting, regardless of whether you're fending off homeless lunatics or just nervously roaming claustrophobic passageways with your finger twitching on the right trigger. Thanks to a consistent atmosphere of desperation and dread, the game is almost at its best when nothing is happening at all. The sound design, especially if you have a nice surround set-up, is about as eerie as it gets; a feature that pairs perfectly with the disgustingly gorgeous visuals."

Japanese Hamburglars

You know what really burns my biscuits?

All this Final Fantasy anniversary bullshit. Square Enix is about as big a bunch of crooks as you're likely to meet this side of EA. As if their reluctance to put anything up on the Virtual Console wasn't bad enough, now they're doing one of those FFIII-style 3D remakes of FFIV. I know the games are adored by millions, and heck, I dabble myself, but at a certain point you're just preying on the vacant minds of your fans.

I shouldn't even be dogging SE about it, though– they're just running a business in the way that every RPG nerd in the world lets them do it.

Speaking of games, who wants to talk about awesome bosses here? I think I'll declare Midnight tonight through Midnight next Thursday BOSS WEEK on The JLR. Stay tuned.

Galactic Ghetto Scriptbook: The Annihilator

Scenes 1 and 2: Written by Patrick Sanders & Joseph Luster.

©1998 Bigwig Productions • BW-Video. All rights reserved


INT. HOTEL IN BERLIN - DAY

The Annihilator (Bahn Von Johnsonite) walks into lobby. He's a massive bodybuilder cop that speaks in an exaggerated Austrian accent.

BAHN
(to receptionist)
Hey, I’ve gotta drop a rotten fucking boulder, where’s yer crapper?

RECEPTIONIST
Vell, I never! Ees at end of hall, left.

BAHN
Good, this is gonna be one hell of a dump!

INT. HOTEL BATHROOM - DAY

Bahn steps in and sniffs the air.

BAHN
(sniffing hard)
That doesn’t smell like goodguy shit.

In a stall nearby, a badguy talks on a cellphone.

BADGUY ONE
Hey, Rulio. You got all that cocaine that I’m gonna buy illegally from you using government money?

Bahn sits down for a smash and listens intently while crapping loudly.

BADGUY ONE
Yo, some cum-guzzling faggot is takin’ a mad smash next to me. I bet he’s black! Mexican? No way...alright, 50 bucks, yer on!

Bahn gets infuriated and busts through his stall with shit dripping.

BAHN
The only thing that pisses me off more than my unwiped ass is cokeheads like you!

BADGUY ONE
Oh shit! It’s him!!

Cut to black as the badguy screams, the title FROM AUSTRIA WITH HATE slams onto the screen and some wild music plays.

Credits roll and it cuts back and forth between scenes of Bahn beating up the badguy and random city shots.

Then back to Bahn in the bathroom.

Bahn throws a turd at the badguy.

BAHN
Shalom, shithead!

Then he kicks him twice in the gut.

BAHN
(shoving poop in Badguy's mouth)
Eat shit, maggot!

Finally, Bahn puts Badguy’s face in the toilet and flushes.

BAHN
(clapping)
Crap on, crap off, the crapper!

INT. LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT - AFTERNOON

Chief Chiefton sits at his desk, absolutely furious.

CHIEF
Johnsonite!!

He holds a newspaper. The Headline reads

CRAPPY CRIMINAL GETS THE FLUSH

Bahn walks in, pleased with his work.

BAHN
What’s wrong, Chief, did I do a shitty job? Ha ha!

CHIEF
We can’t keep gettin’ this kind of press, Bahn! Yer makin’ us look like unprofessional boobs.

BAHN
And that’s all she wrote.

CHIEF
Are you even listening?

BAHN
Ja, boobs and such.

CHIEF
Arrrgh, yer hopeless. Screw it. I got an assignment for your ass. If you screw this up, your badge is gone! Along with you, Johnsonite.

The Chief hands him some papers.

BAHN
Yes, ma’am.

Bahn walks out laughing. he looks at the paper and laughs even more.

BAHN
Piece of cake, motherfucker.

Galactic Ghetto Netflix Queue

Top 15 - This might be the gnarliest it's been up to this point:


Wise man say: click to enlarge!

Some Jappy Crappy Kangaroo Bullshit

Much to the chagrin of at least one JLR reader, two of the more popular trends among the Japanese and rich suburban American youth continue to merge. The result this time ain't so bad, as Australian weirdy's B-Bot Defense Systems are releasing a couple of cool t-shirts with an orignal Transformers look applied to a Nike Dunk and the hand thingy from Vampire Hunter D. Make sure you're the first one in your town to cop one, so that the other person in your town who can recognize the reference will be jealous!

And don't start thinking that I'm off browsing Aussie blogs, I got the info from www.hypebeast.com.

Nighty night, keep ya butthole tight!

Robotronic Dynamite #5

I was out celebrating the KY Derby with copious amounts of alcohol, but the show must go on in my stead!


I am sure you covet its weekly essence, so go listen!

Watch Out, Folks

'Cause when Postal drops to the general public, all these kids are gonna come crawling outta the woodwork like, "I don't know, man, I always thought House of the Dead was a special kind of unabashed genius."

Mark my words!

Hamburgers

So I was just digging up images of Burgertime for an article I'm wrapping up, and I stumbled on this collection of game interpretations/parody art by one Handre De Jager. Obviously these are old, since I found a gamesetwatch post about them from January '06. Still, dig 'em, I think they're insane:






Added bonus: guess the games!

Almost Human

Since, with the exception of Hot Fuzz, all the flicks I've been watching lately have been grody horror movies, I gave my rotting brain a break last night and sat down with Umberto Lenzi's Almost Human AKA a Bunch of Other Titles.


This bad boy is essential viewing if you've never seen it, though I know a few of you most certainly have! Tomas Milian versus Henry Silva is one of the most erotic crime/polizia face-offs ever. I'd be really surprised if Pacino didn't heavily study how amazing Milian is in this flick before digging into his role as Tony Montana. At least let me believe what I want to.

Almost Human is at or near the top of Lenzi's oeuvre, and is easily one of the best polizia flicks I've ever seen. Oh, and fuck you guys if this reads like an Italian film segment of Reading Rainbow!