Sell it Again, Sam

No, that's not some attempt at a "clever" post title, though I wouldn't blame you for thinking it was one of my typically bad jokes!

"Sell it Again, Sam" is/was the name of a thrift store around here that Canaan (The Man Himself) and I used to frequent in our adolescent quest for old Star Wars toys. They also had their fair share of used TV game cassettes with the names of now-agéd children scrawled on the back.


Anywho, the original proprietor was a predictably crotchety old man. Canaan will have to back this up, but I believe he put up one of his consoles on consignment there once. Perhaps that's another story for another day, better told from the horse's mouth!

Speaking of horses, I'm preparing to take a break from having writer's block to mount my very own steel-caged steed and veer it in the direction of this crumbled tomb of thriftiness to see if it still exists. If, by chance, all that remains is a heap of rubble and the broken hilts of fallen warriors, then I shall scour its ruins for some lost treasures!

Robotronic Dynamite #4

This is the episode that, whether you're aware or not, you've all been waiting for!


FIVE MEN CONVERGE INTO ONE AUDITORY VESSEL, PLUNGING INTO YOUR EAR CANAL AND PERFORMING A BARREL ROLL THROUGH YOUR BRAIN!

Drive Gets [Driving Pun] by [Driving Pun x2]

It looks like Fox Canceled Drive already. Let's clarify some things first: It's not a great show, but it has its moments, and it latches its hook in certain places. It's like they used their good writers to whip up Nathan Fillion's story, and then dispatched duty on the other characters to some interns. It also features the ugliest woman on television; not television ugly, but real world ugly.

This served as an instant boon for entertainment writers everywhere, all of which flocked to their computers to work on their very best"driving puns."

Also for your added pleasure: JAPANESE BRUCE WILLIS!

Sleep Tight, You Sexy Animals

It seems I'm always saying good morning to you beasts, so for once I'll say:


More to come!

Letting the Cat, Long Deceased from Lack of Oxygen, Out of the Bag

It is no longer a secret, friends, I have procured a Nintendo Wii™! Upon finally discovering it loafing about in the wild, I made haste and shot, bagged, gutted, and mounted it proudly next to my television. It is truly a thing of dreams, one that allows newfound ways for me to virtually throw my money at the information superhighway.

Unfortunately, as you probably gathered from that vague sentence, I have also discovered the Virtual Console, a digital Grand Canyon into which I can toss precious moneys with little to nothing being offered in return. Is the trip to my basement, the home of my classic consoles, such a long and arduous one that it warrants this heinous disposal of cash?

Yes. Yes it is.

More on Wii later. I just wanted to do my sexy dance of obtainment, ya heard?

Robotronic Dynamite #3

This week, Robotronic Dynamite presents a "deluxe" episode for all of our very best "compadres"!

Consider! The health of you and your loved ones prior to listening.

Subscribe! You know you want to.

Believe! That this will be the last time I do this proclamation gimmick!

Set Your Jealousy Rays to "Stunned"

Not much to report today, unless you count the receiving of the promo that you would all kill your mothers for! I would write about it, but a simple photograph is probably enough to get you all hot and bothered.

Other than that, I've been watching the Devil Lady anime after having owned it for a long time, and am currently trying to deal with the fact that it's really not very good. The premise is great, as is the music, but it looks like it was animated in Somalia.

Slamm Dunk #97

Click to enlarge!

Retro Game Ads Rebirth: Alien Syndrome

I want to start talking about awesome old-school video game adverts in here, but I'm going to kick off with something really new. The below ad is for Sega's Alien Syndrome game on Wii; I scanned it in from the back of the latest EGM. Why did this catch my eye?


Computer-colored comic look aside, the ad is straight out of 1989. Though it doesn't go my preferred route of browbeating the consumer into purchasing the game through big font humiliation, the top-running text is certified dynamic.

Indeed, friends, you have to earn that Nanobot-Swarm-Cannon! It would have been off the scales if it ended that exclamation by calling the reader a "bozo."

Robotronic Dynamite #2

Robotronic Dynamite is back again with another chilling look into the minds of people that play too many TV games!*


FEEL! The cosmos of your very special hosts.

ACHE! When it all ends.

REMEMBER! To start it over and listen again!

*I recommend subscribing via iTunes!

Tales from Lucio Fulci's Taint, Part One: Murder Rock

A lot of Fulci fans would probably rather die than watch some of his later flicks, but here at The JLR we're going to be reflecting on the real grimy filth, ignoring the wealth of gold. Today's Specimen?

Murder Rock (1984)


AKA Dancing Death AKA Slashdance, but I think the latter is the most hilarious. What makes Murder Rock any worse than other Fulci horror? It was only a couple years before that he was pumping out classics, so why is this one so fucking boring? Even the director documentary on the second disc of Shriek Show's DVD only mentions the movie in passing.

The premise is kind of rad, too. There's a dance school that's being stalked by a ruthless killer. The gimmick is that he shoves a hairpin into their tit until it reaches their heart. Sounds great, right? But Fulci was way too enamored with chicks doing that "running in place" jazzercise dance to build any suspense.


Enter: the detective– played by a haggard Cosimo Cinieri; chugging coffee and trying to decide which of the sleazoid suspects is doing the sticking. Cinieri looks, much like the aforementioned Fulci fans, like he'd rather die than be here.

The good shit you get for your scratch is a gang of titty shots, ridiculous 80s music by Keith Emerson, and enough "dirty dancing" to build up a nasty sweat. The bad shit, however, is innumerable.

THE GAME

Hello old friends, how long has it been? Because Your Master of the Internet, Joseph Luster, is indisposed at the moment you'll be starting your day a little more handsome than usual.

Allow me to transport you back in time. Yesterday while serving time in my corporate prison, I found myself engaged in a brutal session of The Game. I'm sure you know it*. It had been years since I last played, but as any true student/teacher of this game, I slipped back into it like a priest's finger into a child's warm, innocent anus.

The Game began innocently enough - the first few circle spotting's were met with giggles and delight. But as the day wore on punches became more viscous and sissies became more whiny. Debates were started over nearly every "get". Was it a legal placement? Was it truly seen? Does the finger in the hole only negate the punch, or does it turn the tabe's completely?

It was obvious that a hard and fast set of rules be enforced. Using the power of the Internet, and excellent resource for The Game was found. I present this to you here. Although ugly lesbians are used as demonstration models, it is a valuable document that I felt compelled to share with the JLR readership. Use it to enforce your moves, and hone your technique, or to jerk off to.

*If not, call your parents, ask them why they never loved you, then immediately kill yourself.

Robotronic Dynamite # 1

A shock for your ears!
A flavour for your mind to taste!
The first episode of the Robotronic Dynamite Podcast!


LISTEN! As I jabber-jaw with Joe Shieh about TV games!

LAUGH! As you realize what you are listening to!

LOVE! You might find your true partner with the benefit of friendly listening!!

Black Velvet

Apparently this is me!

http://www.myspace.com/josephluster

IM JUST A LAID BACK PERSON, LIKE TO HAVE FUN, KOOL TO BE AROUND. I AM VERY INTELLEGENT. BOOK SMART. HAVE HIS OWN MOMEY. DONT TAKE ANY BULLCRAP FROM ANY1. KNOW HOW TO TREAT THA LADIES. JUST LIVING MY LYFE DAY BY DAY STEP BY STEP

Deep Thoughts with Boi Luster

Tard Date: 2007, 1:33am - I am digging in an easter basket for chocolates while Run DMC plays in the background.

Sexy Monster World Update

I hate the thought of leaving all of you beautiful bastards alone on Easter, so I'm dropping in to give some hot word on the Monster World collection.

Actually, I just want to mention how incredible Monster World IV is. I've already made bold claims about it that you'll hear whenever I post the podcast that I just recorded with Joe Shieh, but it really is a phenomenal piece of work, and I can't believe that it was never released outside of Japan.

Think Metroid, or a similarly exploratory platformer/adventure that conveys a real sense of progression in the powers that you get throughout. Everything is stellar; the graphics, enemies, music... oh man, the music. Buy it. ROM it up. Whatever. Just play the damn thing.

To Me, Monster World!

Check out what just arrived in my sexy casa:


Sega Ages 2500: Monster World Complete Collection. Here's a tidbit from the rad instruction manual for you all to enjoy!


I don't want to get started about the differences between Japanese and American instruction manuals, but it's tempting. More on this game later.

In Public, the Frequency of My Palsy Heightens to Superhuman Levels

Today at Target I saw that their Xbox 360 display unit was sportin' the infamous Red Ring of Death, or at least a Red Quarter-circle of Death. On the screen above was the warning, proudly emblazoned for all to see, that this 360 was indeed "fucked in the ass."

I tried to take a picture of it with my phone-cam without looking like some flea market James Bond, but it turned out really blurry and you can't even see the red. Though I don't know that I'd be too inspired to worry about it were I an electronics department wastoid at Target, I can't shake the feeling that this isn't a very good promotion for the system.

Note that I posted the worthless picture anyway because I think it's funny/sad that I'm nerdy enough to take it in the first place.

Galactic Ghetto Sketchbook: The Art of Brent Duncan - Part One

In this sub-series, we will begin deconstructing the artwork of Brent Duncan; wise to the pen-thrust of the power galactic. In this first entry, let's check out his satirical look at the life of a young Pat Sanders, as he develops a stern allegory through the use of aviation and the inclusion of his recurring foil character, Gordon Chiu.



Page One
Page Two

Is there a punchline? Perhaps. Is it remotely legible? Not really. Truly, scholars will be debating his work through and beyond our lifespan.

In Which The JLR Completely Skipped Over the Fools of April with a Nimble Maneuver Worthy of Photocapture

I am not the type to play silly jokes on my readers, so you were all spared the humiliation of April 1st!

This post is a good start for a new week and a new month, and is probably most beneficial to any newer readers we may have with us. Extend to them your experienced hands. Guide them through my kingdom; bathe them and treat them nicely. Do not mock them for asking who I am!

I am Joseph Luster. I am a writer and fancy myself somewhat of a dandy! This is where you can find me:


Kung Fu Cult Cinema: Semi-regular contributions as a reviewer/editor; Asian Cinema and such. Full Metal Tracksuit is a very irregular column I do on KFCC, but I like writing about this stuff a lot. Tokusatsu is among every cool person's most favourite things in life.

Got Next: TV game writing. I'm the "home video" editor or something? I'm supposed to write about anime, but I like writing about games even more. You should play some with me sometime on the Xbox 360!

Animerica: I am the Features Editor for the Best Buy and Borders issues... which are the only issues, but I felt I should specify that they physically exist in the wild. Please pick one up and read my words. You may then do whatever you like with it.

Come June you will see my writing in the future hit magazine Otaku USA! I am excited, are you!?

I like to draw comics. This is but one of them.

Bigwig Productions: I make movies. My friends and I are very awesome and we work hard to entertain you. I have also been writing for the screen and maybe I'll talk about that stuff in the future?

Rabies Babies: I am in a rap group.

More to come!