Galactic Ghetto Sketchbook '91 OR How to Tell if Your Child is a Creativity-starved Plagiarist

I wasn't always a lot of awesome things that I am now. Though my striking and alluring visage has remained as visually palatable as always, intrepid time explorers would find a much more sinister mind in a younger Joseph Luster. That's right, at the age of ten, I was a full-blown expert in plagiarism.

Many of you might recall a fairly popular comic called "Calvin & Hobbes." However, in the same way that some peoples of the Orient know Doraemon as "Ding Dang," children of a 5th grade private school class in Kentucky knew Bill Watterson's classic as "Zac & Mac." Z&M is essentially like a knock-off you would find in Chinatown that never looked quite right; a pink and copper superhero with dog ears called Oltraman.


In place of a stuffed tiger is a stuffed panda (Mac), and in place of a spiky-haired young ne'erdowell is a spiky-haired young ne'erdowell (Zac). Joseph wasn't alone in this fraudulent endeavor; co-artist and co-writer Neil Dey must also fess up to this heinous act! The jokes are exactly the same as Watterson's strips, and in some instances the name Calvin was struck out and replaced with Zac! Truly, Joseph and Neil's very writing utensil was the telltale heart of the comic book world.

But enough talk... have at you!







Please click on them for full enjoyment!

All told, there were about 60 pages of Zac & Mac produced in 1991, collected in three "anthologies." The first is self-titled, the second is called "Jack Attack," and the third is lost to time! When will these pirates pay for their crimes? Is reprinting unfunny comics truly penance enough? Will Joe Shieh cry foul when he sees I've returned to my old ways by loosely stealing the concept of his latest blog entry?

This Blog Looks Too Much Like a Website with Words and Punctuation Marks and Comments and Shit

What do you think the age limit is for being even remotely relevant nowadays? I'm trying to think of the youngest film critic that has let time completely wipe them of any sense of progression so I can countdown from today until the time they either stop writing about movies or die.


This comes up because, with the advent of some recent movies, I've heard way too much talk about something being "like a video game." Let's not waste any time here, this is some lazy fucking criticism. What does it even mean for something to be videogame-like? Are there interactive, Shenmue-style moments in which the audience is prompted to press A to make Gerard Butler dodge a sword? No, it's a pompous and dismissive way of saying that a movie has too much CG. Is that all a game is? I don't see anyone complaining that the latest Splinter Cell cutscene "looks too much like a movie."


I'm not even really defending CG here; I'll always be in love with traditional FX . But I even read similar comments recently in response to the new TMNT flick. Can a fully computer-animated movie have too much CG? That's like saying Aladdin was too cartoony. It's a statement parroted by out-of-touch old men (and aspiring old men) and, realistically, it means absolutely nothing.

Slamm Dunk # 20

For those just joining us, here is the origin story of Slamm Dunk.



Click to enlarge!

Prelude to Season Five

Well, season four of the JLR was pretty intoxicating. Normal duties and regular updating should resume on Monday, but for now I just want you to watch and think about this:

Let's Defend the Earth, Okay!?

OR "How Joseph Spent his 200th Post, Predictably, Talking About TV Games."

Guess what's coming out on 360 this month, guys. I'm typing out another sentence so you can have an extra few seconds to actually guess, so please don't skip ahead.

Earth Defense Force 2017! As you may recall, I quite fancied its predecessor, known to Peoples of the Orient as Chikyuu Boeigun 2. As long as multiplayer isn't jacked up, this is going to be one heck of a co-op bug blaster, and I require you all to play with me! Yes, even you. So smitten am I still with this trailer that I show it to you all. And, like myself, you may find yourself suddenly dancing and screaming quizzically to the skies once again: "As ants are killed and blown up, they'll drop health power-ups, armor, and additional weaponry to pick up. What are they doing with such useful items?"



Crucial Update: Apparently there's no online co-op, only local! That really blows!

On XBLA and You Giving Me Money

Xbox Live Arcade has just been madness lately, and I haven't even bought anything. That certainly doesn't belittle my tendencies to do so. It's a little mind-boggling, though. After what seemed like ages of sea with no dry land in sight (does this analogy even work backwards? I don't know), there's suddenly a ton of crap worth buying.


Let's see. Last week it was Worms (status: GOT IT). Then, this week, it was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles '89 (status: GOT IT), and next Wednesday is Castlevania: Symphony of the Night! (Status: GOT IT) I guess it's officially time to start suckin' dick... for money, that is (implying that I already suck dick for free– oooooh, I'm bad).

I will update the parenthetical stats for those of you interested in playing said television games with me in the future.

Oh, and I also rented Bullet Witch, which isn't nearly as bad as everyone but Dave Halverson would have you believe.

The Darkness

I'm as burnt out on first-person shooters as the next guy, but this game is going to be the shit:



A while ago, they released some really comprehensive gameplay footage that gave you an idea of what a level would be like, while managing to show off a lot of your abilities. It was too long, though, and I much prefer this quick montage of slaughter.

Galactic Guest Column

Time to switch things up some this weekend. For your perusing pleasure, a long-time friend of the Joseph Luster Report, John Kunkel, has something sexy to say and it concerns you and everything you are as an Earth human. Take it away, John.

• • •

Chariots of the Gods was a groundbreaking historical analysis written by Erich von Däniken which theorizes that ancient civilizations were more highly technologically advanced than ours, and, even more daring, that all humans spawned with extra-terrestrials many moons ago. This link has more information, or you could actually read the book and develop your own thoughts if you so desire.

What was most appealing to me about this inspiring text was that our ancestors possibly came from Mars. I always felt this was true as a child, especially when I watched Patrick Ewing play basketball on TNT… I knew parts of us simply were not human. It is beyond questioning, in my mind, that we humans are one part evolution from the ape/monkey, and one part created from “God." Not “God” as in “the great one,” “the Father of Jesus,” “Abba father,” “Buddha,” “Mohammad,” “Daddy,” or any other religious association, but “God” as in a true “God” to primitive man – a smarter, faster, better version of being that flew in from the sky.

So if you happen to encounter a man from outer space, simply say, “Hello, great grandfather, good to finally meet you.” Deep down, all of us began as a wiggly sperm in a Martian’s sac combined with a twinkle in an ape-woman’s eye.

The Magic Lamp (1980)

This one doesn't need much introduction. It's one of Dudu Blaq & Dirty Earl's first submissions to Brave Man Weekly, a few years before Express debuted. Pretty much not safe for work. I hope you enjoy it!



Page One
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Buy 'Dis: Octopus Girl

In an announcement that's news to no one, Dark Horse is putting a few of its more eccentric manga titles on hold indefinitely (read: canceled). The chief problem here, I'm sure, is that no one bought them. Now, that might not be true for some of my audience, so don't think I'm chiding you sexy people. It is a shame nonetheless.

I really respect Dark Horse. They consistently release a lot of the darker, older and more obscure stuff. Not just horror, but gross-out manga, Kazuo Koike masculinity epics, and so on. I especially took a liking to Octopus Girl, which is on the "canned" list in that news post. Toru Yamazaki's mid-90s serial is about a girl that can turn back and forth between human and a twisted octopus hybrid, and is as silly as it is graphic and disturbing.

For your pleasure, I have scanned a few sample pages from the first chapter (Maybe NSFW). Click to enlarge and read each page from right to left!

Sample Page One
Sample Page Two
Sample Page Three

Quick Thoughts: Playstation Home

My early thoughts on the Playstation Home (you might recall Sony putting the "spunky" Kotaku folk in a brief time out for breaking this news early) can be summed up by a couple cr- words.

One, it's fucking creepy. There's something wildly pointless and bizarre about sitting in your apartment/house and logging online to enter your TV apartment/house. This is why games like Second Life are lost on me. Virtual worlds are just like the real world, except it's an alternate reality where a satellite-mounted laser eradicated everyone with social skills.

I'll give it to Sony, though, they're pretty crafty. They've basically taken the Phantasy Star Universe lobby and made it their hub. The only people that will enjoy this environment more than the user are game publishers' marketing departments.

Still, it's not crazy, Regardless of how very much this isn't my thing, people will probably dig it. There's some wisdom in the differences between this and what MS and Nintendo are doing, even if the surface disparities are only there to mask how similar it all is.

X-Post: Sinbad Poll

I posted this on a forum that some of you probably can't post at, mostly because I don't think I'll get many responses here. Still, it's a very important question!

Best Sinbad Movie?


You have three choices:

• The 7th Voyage of Sinbad
• The Golden Voyage of Sinbad
• Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger

I'm sure there's some other shit around, but I'm only interested in the ones with Ray Harryhausen effects. If, for some reason, you prefer some TV show called Sinbad 2040 or a Sci Fi original movie where he fights a mutant muskrat or some shit, then by all means, tell me; no, really, I'm listening.

I'm kind of torn. Obviously, 7th is the shit, but Golden has fucking JOHN PHILLIP LAW (Danger: Diabolik) in the lead vs. a brown-faced Tom Baker. They all have rad Harryhausen monsters, too. My nod might go to Golden Voyage again, though, if not only for the fight against Kali.

You are all required to participate!

Boys on Film

It's a well documented fact that the easiest way to get "exposure" is to post a video on YouTube involving you or your friends doing something dumb with the Wii. Remember that video I posted a while back? I never noticed, but apparently it was posted over at Destructoid (scroll down some) last month. That's hilarious!

This is EXCLAMATION!

Here is a really quick and exciting introduction to DYNAMATION for those interested.



Expect 2007 to bring about a revolution in WIG-A-MATION, so I'll keep you posted!

Addendum: Here's a bonus video. I've always been a sucker for bestiaries, which is why I love when TV game instructions show all the monsters you're going to have to fight. Here's a reel of every Ray Harryhausen monster in chronological order:

Make My Black Snake Moooooan!

I saw Black Snake Moan and, after a year or two of heavy pontification over plot specifics, I came away sort of disappointed. I can't help but imagine what the movie would have been like had the script been tackled by me and Wes Blacula. I envisioned an X-rated riot; Christina Ricci bound by chain on the floor as the ol' black bluesman, played by a grizzly and unforgiving Samuel L., creeps up behind her to douse her wild crotch-fire with the soothing venom of his "black snake."



Instead, we're treated to a few winning moments enveloped in melodrama. I can't say I didn't enjoy the movie on some level, but it wasn't the level on which I intended to. Once again going against the grain of my expectations, I didn't find myself bucking out of the theater like a wild animal, carrying the credits music with me in a post-film rampage of exploitative savagery. Rather, I was calmly asking myself The Big Questions such as "Will Justin Timberlake ever recover from his crippling anxiety?" and "Why didn't Sam Jackson say the line Wes and I had mentally prepared for the script back in 2005?"

Future Joseph is Relevant to Your Interests

Greetings, peons! I am posting on my old blog through future technologies in an effort to congratulate myself. Congratulations, me! You (I) have recently mastered the ancient Earth technology of the Sony Playstation™! You (I, which will now be noted with "us" and "we") have explored every title available on the disc system in an effort to gain all world knowledge in the most brief amount of time possible.

The mission, of course, was a success, allowing us to fully integrate with what Earth peoples of the 21st century would likely consider their greatest achievement. Unfortunately, Past Joseph, you will never have the opportunity to be me. Our timelines deviated in 1998, when a crucial historical event severed the connections between What You Will Be and What I Have Become. The Earth history that I know is far different from and most likely superior to your own.

If Sony has managed to complete their follow-up to the highly intelligent Playstation™, then you are no doubt deceased, and I mourn you. In fact, if that is the case, then this message is fruitless, doomed to float among the stars in a wave of informational energy that will coil into a massive strand, thick in essence like a glowing javelin of light.

Comment yes/no if you are alive.

Sincerely,

Joseph Luster from Beyond the Aquarius Belt

P.S. Does anyone read your blog? I have enclosed a picture of myself.

OTAKU USA

Hey, guys, since the cat's out of the internet bag now, I'll proceed to post about the new magazine OTAKU USA with which I will be involved! It will be rad. Patrick Macias is the J.J. Jameson of the joint, so I'll just link you to his blog for more details.

Excerpt for the lazy:

The typical issue of Otaku USA, which will have a cover price of $9.99 ($11.99 in Canada), will be at least 150 pages long and printed in full color on glossy paper. The bimonthly magazine will cover manga, anime, computer games and J-Pop, and it will be written by an American staff from an American point of view.

Wise man say you should promote this as well on the website of your choosing.