Adieu, Black History Month!

Since this is officially the last day that I'm legally allowed to celebrate black people, I'll share one last video. This is security cam footage of a normal night at Broadway Cinemas in downtown Louisville!

How to Hate Kentucky Fans

An instructional video:



I totally stole this video from Card Chronicle because it's fucking hilarious. Far be it from me not to add my own spin, though. If anyone ever wanted further proof that UK fans are Kmart UofL fans, this is how we rap about our sports (with black people, duh):

It Was Worth it to Watch the Oscars to Hear...

... Announcer:

"... The Departed, based on the Japanese film Infernal Affairs."

Wow, smooth! Scorcese got it right during his acceptance, though.

In completely unrelated news, I was recently reminded that I only gave out one of the Slamm Dunk prizes for my 7 Days of Christmas contest! I guess I was so taken aback by my stunning recreation of Brandon Fincher's visage that I cast the others to the fire. I will get on these soon, because the planet Earth demands it!

Next on The Joseph Luster Report: Tales from the Lounge Beyond Infinity!

Galactic Ghetto Sketchbook: Phantasmic Papyrine Portal

An inordinate amount of specters, phantasms and wisps have kept me from tending to my stately duties at the Joseph Luster Report, and for that I apologize. In an effort to mend this issue, I have trained myself to capture these malicious manes within the confines of the Galactic Ghetto Sketchbook; frozen in time for the penceless masses to admire.



How fortunate was I, friends, to capture this beastie of ill repute? Click to enlarge!

More Like Something Something

I love this video of Carlos Mencia getting completely destroyed on stage by Joe Rogan.



Thanks to Joe Shieh for the link!

Ghost Rider Poll

This isn't a poll about who's going to see it; I don't really care. Rather, I have this sneaking suspicion that Nick Cage might try to self-sabotage the movie in the same hilarious way that he did with the remake of The Wicker Man†. So, kids, how will he do it this time!?

Will he:

a) Scream about bees?
b) Fight new adversaries?
c) Pontificate life's futility?
d) None of the above.

Cast your votes now!

†Disclaimer: I have not seen the remake, but I have seen enough clips!

Addendum: Alex Ward, King Goomba

I just took a shower, which, unfortunately, usually involves thinking about things, though these thoughts most commonly include questioning which hole is the smelliest.

Being a huge nerd, I couldn't stop thinking about my last post and how pompous Alex Ward is. I don't talk much shit on this blog, so allow me this brief reprieve from niceties. His analogies are hyperbole at its most extreme, because it's absurd to compare non-interactive media to video games in that way.

The reason that you "beat" a game, as opposed to a book, is because you apply your skill and effort to passing the tasks set forth by the developers. You don't "beat" a movie because there aren't any options. Sure, if I could choose a path that leads to victory in Cannibal Holocaust, then I would most definitely say that I "beat" it. But that's not what movies are.

Most apparent, under all of the bitching over semantics, is an artist's frustrated insistence that no one "got" their message or grasped their story. While I did like Black a lot, the reason that everyone wants to skip the cutscenes is not, as Ward implies, because they do not like to be told a story during gameplay. The root of the game's storytelling evil is the fact that it is conveyed through terrible, no-budget cinemas that any Larry, Moe or Curly could have filmed if they had expensive HD equipment and a 5x5 room with a hanging light.

He nailed it himself when he facetiously likened it to a Sega CD game. Sorry, Alex, but no one wants to read a message that's scribbled in doo-doo, unless it foretells of the apocalypse or huge savings.

One Step Closer to Beating this Blog

Alex Ward, creative director for Criterion, does not like the term "beat" in reference to finishing a game. That's fine and all, because I solve games, mister. His rant cracked me up, though, and I'm going to have to rebuke his claim that it isn't a viable term for all of life's other ventures.

Anyhoo, Totilo talks about "beating" Black, inspiring a rant in which Alex Ward chastizes the use of the word "beat." He asks if when you listen to a new CD, do you say you "beat" it? Or when you go to the library do you say you "beat the first floor" and "beat the second floor." Or "beating" all the movies in the cineplex. He then talks about "beating" War and Peace, all three thousand pages.

In all of the internetter repostings about this, there sure is a lot of harsh talk about Black. I liked that game! I need to hurry up and go "beat" the toilet.

Alex Ward at DICE (Kotaku)
Original Video (MTV.com)

Revolutionary Time Waster Squad

Yesterday I downloaded this Mac pixel art program called Pixen, because sprites are rad and I wanted to start making some for fun. My first effort can be seen in the entry below, but I decided to get some more practice in by recreating an enemy sprite from FFVI. I now have a lot more respect for these damn things, because it took forever! For reference, here is the original.


Enlarged / Normal

Blips from the Galactic Ghetto Memory Bank

Back in the mid-80s, there was a bit of a "Gas Baby fever" taking hold in Japan. Naturally, this led to tons of merchandise, from toys to TV games and so on. One of the most controversial games was 1986's Gas Baby no Daibouken (or Gas Baby's Big Adventure), an 80+ hour role playing game that was released after the comic had only been around for a few months. This, of course, resulted in about 70 hours of made-up story that had no relevance to the original narrative.

Recently, some hard data has finally been surfacing in relation to this lost gem, the first of which is an image from the Gas Baby no Daibouken Super Plus Perfect Guide (Parufekuto Puresu, 1986) depicting the end boss, whose name roughly translates to "Bigger Charles," and was never present in the entire run of the actual comic. Hopefully we'll be able to dig up some more!

Woman with the Nebular Bodice

Sometimes I like to make pictures with pens, particularly of monsters. When man draws monster, he can put on music and not think about what he is doodling. There's no anatomy to worry about, which is good since the only humans that I excel at depicting are black basketball superheroes. Below is the latest addition to my gruesome bestiary!


Click to enlarge!

So It's Come To This

I try not to make a habit of reposting junk from other sites, but I love me some Japper-knees commercials, and Kotaku posted a video earlier of the Top 10 Famicom Ads. I know that there are at least one or two of you that don't scour the TV Game news blogs like a handicapped vulture, so here it is. Just to make my plagiarism absolutely clear, I'll note that you can view it "after the jump."



Particularly horrifying are the Space Invaders and Goemon CMs.

Top Ten Best Famicom Commercials (Kotaku)

FFVI Advance

I don't even want to know how many nerd points I lose for never having played through Final Fantasy VI. To be honest, I've owned the game in a few of its domestic incarnations and, since middle school, have probably played the first four or five hours a half dozen times. Still, I always lacked the drive to play further, an issue I have with the entire genre that has only worsened as I get older and my attention span somehow manages to steadily decline.

However, it recently came out on the Game Boy Advance, which, oddly enough, I find to be well-suited for long, grinding games. Not only can I save most anywhere I want, but I can get things done while I attend other pressing matters, such as everything else. I can also play it on my Gamecube when I feel like making it a TV Thang.

Long story short, I'm pretty deep in the game and I really love it. The branching narrative is well-done and, though huger nerds than myself will likely argue the matter for decades, I think the rewritten dialogue is a big improvement. I need to finish it in the next day or so, because it's really going to start biting into my productivity.

I Got Links for Days

Oh goody, now you can read in detail what I think of Capcom's Lost Planet!

Hemmin'/Hawin' 2K7

There's been a lot going on lately. At least, as much as can possibly go on with someone that "works" from home, bound not by any substantial employment shackles. In fact, when I say that it's been quite busy around here, there's a good chance that I'm referring to how many TV games there are to play, or perhaps the next clay-animated short that's being kicked around in my head.

Yes, the goings-on behind the scenes of Joseph Luster are ramshackle at best. One moment, there may be a car-tune I have to write about, while the next may involve the shooting of aliens and the reaping of rewards thereafter. Rest assured, however, that I have a lot of projects up my sleeve at the moment, many of which I hope to share with you all in some form on these very pages!

I am also deeply sorry that I do not have any Black History Month clips today! How does one even follow up something like The Thing with Two Heads? If you thirst for more J-Lust, then you may find some comfort nestled in my exciting Projector Review! I will come back and post my Lost Planet review later this evening.

Addendum: you must purchase my wares!

Black History Month– It Continues!

Above: Maybe NSFW? A couple of titties in the first shot.

Day Game: King Kong (360)

It was reported somewhere at some point that I thoroughly enjoyed Peter Jackson's King Kong flick from whatever year that was. "So why," you rudely bellow, "did you not play the television game of the same name?" At first it was because I did not yet own an Xbox 360, and saw no reason to play an uglier version of the game at the time. Then, when I finally did buy one, the game was old and time is a fickle thing!


Seeking to remedy this, I recently borrowed the disc from a nameless street urchin bearing long, flowy locks and promises of bejeweled crowns at "half their street value." Ignoring the other treasures (for now), I took the game home and proceeded to "solve it" yesterday. My brief afterthoughts? Michel Ancel (Rayman, Beyond Good & Evil) has done it again. King Kong is a blast from beginning to end, even though it's incredibly short. The presentation is top notch and the action is often exciting and memorable. Movie adaptations that are even halfway decent are rare, so this game is much like the bejeweled crowns that the sexy urchin was trying to sell me!

Li'l Daichi Dipshit

Just as promised before, my translation projects are finally going to be seeing light on this page. First up will be some assorted chapters of Li'l Daichi Dipshit, which notorious manga-ka duo Dudu Blaq & Dirty Earl are disturbingly excited about me scanning and translating.



To give you an idea of what you're getting into, I'm going ahead and posting the cover of the first LDD collection, originally released in Japan in 1976 (sorry for the condition of the book, but it's very old and rare). Some quick background: this was one of the their biggest hits and, all said, Daichi ran in the pages of Shonen Booger for 4 years before spending its last year in 1980 wallowing in the woefully unpopular pages of Sunday Haircut.

Due to the disgusting subject matter, the title was best known for outraging parents, and many Japanese that grew up at the time will recall having their manga confiscated often. But it was never banned, even though Blaq and Earl had to self-publish the collections on their own. Bile Book (pictured), Gross Stomach, and Butt went on to sell incredibly well, prompting the anthology publishers to reconsider printing their own graphic novels. Blaq and Earl refused, and so the series has mostly lived on in the hearts of its fans. While I cannot say that this is the duo's most tasteful work, I am honored regardless to finally translate these for an American audience.

It's Black History Month!

Hooray, let us celebrate.