D-d-down with Zelda**

Keepin' it true* with an overhead view,
'Cause a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

After renting and playing a decent amount of the new Sonic the Hedgehog on 360, I decided that it's terrible and Dave Halverson is a lunatic. If you want an idea of what playing it is like, it's kind of a mix of this and this, but less awesome.

Though it took me over twenty years, I've finally come to the conclusion as to what the number one bathroom reader is. It should have been obvious from the start, but the enviable Luster Award for Shit Reading Excellence goes to Raijin's full-colour versions of the Fist of the North Star manga.

Despite having read these a handful of times since their release a few years back, they still manage to hold a much sought-after spot in the wicker magazine rack next to my toilet (right in front of years-old EGMs and a bad Simpsons comic; prime real estate). The chapters can each be read in about the time it takes to squeeze out a moderately sized dump, and the faces any dedicated reader will make while reading the "A-ta-ta" and "Uwwooooooh!" sound effects make for the perfect doo-doo impetus.

**Sorry, nerds, this post isn't really about Zelda at all.
*Listening again, I think he says "Creepin' through," but whatever.

The Farts of a Fairy

I'm sure this thing is old as dirt but, after careful consideration, I have decided that this is the Perfect Video†. Not only is it well-paced and full of surprises, but it takes our unlikely protagonist on the complete Hero's Journey, from the first act to the thrilling conclusion.



I don't care if you've seen it a million times. Have you really seen it?

† For those with further interest in the subject, I consider the runner-up to this title to be the last video posted on Mr. Black's weblog.

Happy Thanksgiving

I don't ask very much of you guys, right?

Well, in this post, I'm leaving it to each and every one (4? 5?) of you to describe way(s) in which you would foil Wile E. Coyote.

100th Post Gala Event!

That's right, kids, this is the 100th episode of The Joseph Luster Report (as seen on blogspot, that is). I cooked up many means of celebration, debating how this monumental event should be handled.

I thought about writing a long, meaningful post about how important this web-log is to society. Upon further consideration, however, I deemed it a waste of time. This is the internet, and no one really wants to read!

Instead, I will leave you with this video of Michael Richards going buckwild at a stand-up gig, and "showin' them black folk what's up" as it were.

More Like Gaygle

Random Google image search result for "Super Mario 2."

Obviously, my particular browser's results are geared toward its users "delights."

Booger Squad

Extreme cabin fever (sadly, sans Rider Strong) has been setting in here lately, and if I didn't have a ton of work to do, I'd probably either "get a job" (haw haw!) or claw at my walls all day.

Meanwhile, people are shooting other people for PS3s to put on eBay (because they're sure as hell not stealing them to play) and fake news stories chronicle cats fucking dogs and having doggish cat babies. Though I probably won't get one for quite a while, I'm contemplating going out tomorrow morning and punching kids in the face for their Wii. Then I can take it downtown and wait for the first gangly hobo to say, "I'll suck yo' dick."

The fact that I would be holding a game console is pretty much the only thing that makes that scenario different than any other day of my week.

I've decided that this is what I'm going to look like in a couple of years.

Crucial Communique to William Gay

You gay, boy.

Slamm Dunk Handbook: Entry 002

Slamm Dunk Handbook: Entry 001

The Circle of Life

Sometimes, a year like 2006 will take a breather and give a big, time paradox reach-around to 1986. Case in point, Megadeth coming up with a new song inspired by the soon-to-be-massive Xbox 360 game Gears of War.

Appropriately, the song is titled "Gears of War."

Now that everyone's had time to talk about how the "Mad World" trailer has changed their life in some way, maybe they can release a commercial showing a lot of action to the tune of some Megadeth or another similarly washed-up metal group (Deicide, maybe?).

Triumph is Ours!

I will never be able to rest in peace until this happens to me in some way, shape, or form.