Today I had the DQ® Chili Meltdown Grillburger. Here are some excerpts from my thoughts on the adventure, presented in pull-quote style for all you ad wizards. I suspect the Queen's minstrels will no doubt be stealing these:
"The top bun split from the excitement, like cracked earth directly above rising, pulsating magma."
"One deep, delicious bite and I already had chili on my shirt, shorts, and shoe… no foolin'!"
In less interesting news, an article I wrote that originally appeared on Otaku Booty, has been repurposed (by me, of course) for the "Asian cinema crowd," or whatever the fuck that is.
Check it.
31.8.06
29.8.06
Analysis & Commentary: Little Red Riding Hood
In which Patrick Macias and Joseph Luster provide extensive analysis of the latest film by J.L. Carrozza (AKA Kojiro Abe), Little Red Riding Hood.
• • •
PM: Fundamentally, I think the film represents an ethical struggle for meaning taking place within Carrozza’s own mind. It reveals many doubts over the "dark side" of humanity. I think the younger “Kojiro Abe” would have been content to let the nihilistic figure of the wolf triumph over all at the end. But perhaps now he is recognizing in mature fashion that man's animal nature must be overcome in order for civilization to persist. After all, at the end of the piece, the orally fixated Wolf (who desires to “eat” Red more than to have carnal relations with her) has been castrated and heterosexual reproduction, in the form of Red and the Woodcutter, is allowed to resume.
JL: I think, as the Wolf itself has been presented as an extension of Abe's persona, that the character, through its animalistic and arguably misunderstood nature, represents a fruitless search for love on Jules’ part that is always thwarted by another man.
PM: Yes, I think so, too. This was definitely among my first impressions. However, I don't think the wolf is “arguably misunderstood.” He is simply not very likeable aside from his vitality and lust!
JL: And yet, Abe is left alone in the woods, with the remains of the past (the "grandmother") all that he has left to feed upon. This is symbolic of his taste in cult films.
The Wolf offers up his only remnants of sanity: dirty movies on DVD
PM: If only from the standpoint of the Wolf’s character, ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ is a simple “loser narrative", as are many of the Asian cult films that have inspired Carrozza over the years. But the film is loaded with possible meanings. Note, for instance, that the Woodcutter and the Wolf bear a distinct resemblance to each other in physical appearance.
JL: They do.
PM: Almost as if they are doppelgangers. Both are bearded, use coarse language, and do not hesitate to shed blood.
JL: The Woodcutter could be seen as one side to Abe's mind. One that, while within his grasp, is always just out of reach.
PM: The Woodcutter partially succeeds because he is a hard worker. All the Wolf does is watch cult movies and think about food. He seems to be indicative of the masturbatory sexuality of male adolescents and a life force that is vigorous but not generative.
JL: I think he is indicative of the time when Jules’ worked in a fish factory.
• • •
JL: Do you think there's some sort of symbolism behind the Woodcutter's limp and effortless swings? Does Red, then, represent desire?
PM: I do not believe in didactic symbolism so much as possible theoretical readings.
JL: Well, let's look at it from that angle then.
PM: In traditional Freudian readings of fairy tales, the story of Little Red Riding Hood is about a young girl's frightening but necessary initiation into the animal nature of male sexuality. I don’t think Carrozza’s version significantly deviates from the original in this respect, which I think is one of its flaws. Red's duel with the Wolf is a good idea, but her previous characterization in the film does not support such actions.
JL: Agreed. I think he could have taken her arc into a different direction. But, what of Abe's choices in his uplifting ending? Do you think that the wolf could actually be “Kojiro Abe,” while the woodcutter is J.L. Carrozza?
PM: I find that art is often inseparable from the artists’ psyche.
JL: I'm starting to really get behind the idea of the film as an execution of a former ego.
A nymph from within the recesses of Abe's mind attacks his vulgar alter-ego.
PM: I wonder if it is an entirely “uplifting ending,” though. While Jules seems to hint that the world might be more peaceful without the threat of the wolf, we each have to ask ourselves, "would I myself want to live in a world without a Kojiro Abe?"
JL: Where's the balance? We also, if we've watched it correctly, have to take the cock-shot into account. The castration and murder of "Kojiro Abe." Injured by J.L. Carrozza and finished off by a female.
PM: Yes, I think a possible subtitle for the film would be "The Symbolic Self Castration of Kojiro Abe." However, it is possible that Carrozza wishes us to see the Woodcutter as fundamentally no better than the Wolf, though.
JL: Indeed. I definitely see them as two sides of one coin, connected strongly.
PM: Another clever doubling in the film: Granny and the Wolf. Note how Jules defers to the traditional “what big eyes you have” exchange of dialogue. But with the added complexity of the Wolf-Woodcutter relationship, it is almost as if the film is telling us that we each have to be like Red and carefully pay attention to “the form of the good” when it appears before us, as it does with the Woodcutter. Consider also the masterful use of split-screen, where we must somehow “read” two distinct images at once.
JL: It's certainly something for all of us to think about.
PM: Upon further consideration of the use of doubling patterns in this film, I retract my earlier statements about it not containing a radical enough rethinking of the original source material. However, I stand by my criticism of the uneven handling of Red’s characterization.
• • •
JL: What of "mama"?
PM: Indeed ! We have left out one important character in this "Dark Fantasy."
JL: Mr. Punishment, an extension of the restrictions laid out by Abe's own parents; the fact that it appears in a movie that they would no doubt revile is worth noting.
PM: It's possible to see Mr. Punishment as a phallic extension of the "Castrating Mother” figure.
JL: Yes.
PM: Which supports your theory about the film as a symbolic act of self-castration.
Carrozza's Unattainable Self displays one of its many talents.
JL: It's also worthy of study that there is no father figure in this film - unless you count the Woodsman.
PM: Jules has chosen to play this part of “mama” himself. In addition to alluding to the god-like authoritative powers that a director wields over a work of cinema, “mama” is something of a sacred androgynie who has transcended either sex. Fittingly, the nurturing qualities of motherhood have been inverted. This mother gives Red food only to feed an ailing grandmother, not herself. Taking all this into consideration, I believe that “mama” is the castrated J.L. Carrozza himself.
JL: Good point. There's also a hint of dependency on the mother's end, and not just for this reason. There's an urgency to keep Red's exposure to the outside world limited, por exemplo: Highlights for Children. While Mama chooses to observe the world through a skewed looking glass: in this case - Weekly World News. Don't even get me started on the reality phases that the wolf passes through after the shotgun attack.
PM: I think the Highlights for Children magazine represents Red's Edenic, pre-fall state of ignorance over the fundamental truths of human sexuality. But at the end of this film, we have all gained some small modicum of insight into its complex nature.
JL: Good call.
PM: By all rights, Abe's next film should further explore the complexities of female sexuality.
JL: Oh, I think so too.
PM: If he wishes to continue to mine classic fairy tales for inspiration, I would recommend to him such stories as "The Princess and the Pea." In any event, Little Red Riding Hood marks an enormous artistic leap forward for J.L. Carrozza. The film is thematically and technically light years ahead of earlier works such as "The Big Toe." I am very much looking forward to the fantastic tales he may yet weave.
JL: Will he be able to do so with his next movie, Film Club? Either way, we'd like to thank J.L. Carrozza/Kojiro Abe for providing this dark alleyway of thought through which we have strolled today, both as observers and participants.
• • •
PM: Fundamentally, I think the film represents an ethical struggle for meaning taking place within Carrozza’s own mind. It reveals many doubts over the "dark side" of humanity. I think the younger “Kojiro Abe” would have been content to let the nihilistic figure of the wolf triumph over all at the end. But perhaps now he is recognizing in mature fashion that man's animal nature must be overcome in order for civilization to persist. After all, at the end of the piece, the orally fixated Wolf (who desires to “eat” Red more than to have carnal relations with her) has been castrated and heterosexual reproduction, in the form of Red and the Woodcutter, is allowed to resume.
JL: I think, as the Wolf itself has been presented as an extension of Abe's persona, that the character, through its animalistic and arguably misunderstood nature, represents a fruitless search for love on Jules’ part that is always thwarted by another man.
PM: Yes, I think so, too. This was definitely among my first impressions. However, I don't think the wolf is “arguably misunderstood.” He is simply not very likeable aside from his vitality and lust!
JL: And yet, Abe is left alone in the woods, with the remains of the past (the "grandmother") all that he has left to feed upon. This is symbolic of his taste in cult films.
The Wolf offers up his only remnants of sanity: dirty movies on DVD
PM: If only from the standpoint of the Wolf’s character, ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ is a simple “loser narrative", as are many of the Asian cult films that have inspired Carrozza over the years. But the film is loaded with possible meanings. Note, for instance, that the Woodcutter and the Wolf bear a distinct resemblance to each other in physical appearance.
JL: They do.
PM: Almost as if they are doppelgangers. Both are bearded, use coarse language, and do not hesitate to shed blood.
JL: The Woodcutter could be seen as one side to Abe's mind. One that, while within his grasp, is always just out of reach.
PM: The Woodcutter partially succeeds because he is a hard worker. All the Wolf does is watch cult movies and think about food. He seems to be indicative of the masturbatory sexuality of male adolescents and a life force that is vigorous but not generative.
JL: I think he is indicative of the time when Jules’ worked in a fish factory.
• • •
JL: Do you think there's some sort of symbolism behind the Woodcutter's limp and effortless swings? Does Red, then, represent desire?
PM: I do not believe in didactic symbolism so much as possible theoretical readings.
JL: Well, let's look at it from that angle then.
PM: In traditional Freudian readings of fairy tales, the story of Little Red Riding Hood is about a young girl's frightening but necessary initiation into the animal nature of male sexuality. I don’t think Carrozza’s version significantly deviates from the original in this respect, which I think is one of its flaws. Red's duel with the Wolf is a good idea, but her previous characterization in the film does not support such actions.
JL: Agreed. I think he could have taken her arc into a different direction. But, what of Abe's choices in his uplifting ending? Do you think that the wolf could actually be “Kojiro Abe,” while the woodcutter is J.L. Carrozza?
PM: I find that art is often inseparable from the artists’ psyche.
JL: I'm starting to really get behind the idea of the film as an execution of a former ego.
A nymph from within the recesses of Abe's mind attacks his vulgar alter-ego.
PM: I wonder if it is an entirely “uplifting ending,” though. While Jules seems to hint that the world might be more peaceful without the threat of the wolf, we each have to ask ourselves, "would I myself want to live in a world without a Kojiro Abe?"
JL: Where's the balance? We also, if we've watched it correctly, have to take the cock-shot into account. The castration and murder of "Kojiro Abe." Injured by J.L. Carrozza and finished off by a female.
PM: Yes, I think a possible subtitle for the film would be "The Symbolic Self Castration of Kojiro Abe." However, it is possible that Carrozza wishes us to see the Woodcutter as fundamentally no better than the Wolf, though.
JL: Indeed. I definitely see them as two sides of one coin, connected strongly.
PM: Another clever doubling in the film: Granny and the Wolf. Note how Jules defers to the traditional “what big eyes you have” exchange of dialogue. But with the added complexity of the Wolf-Woodcutter relationship, it is almost as if the film is telling us that we each have to be like Red and carefully pay attention to “the form of the good” when it appears before us, as it does with the Woodcutter. Consider also the masterful use of split-screen, where we must somehow “read” two distinct images at once.
JL: It's certainly something for all of us to think about.
PM: Upon further consideration of the use of doubling patterns in this film, I retract my earlier statements about it not containing a radical enough rethinking of the original source material. However, I stand by my criticism of the uneven handling of Red’s characterization.
• • •
JL: What of "mama"?
PM: Indeed ! We have left out one important character in this "Dark Fantasy."
JL: Mr. Punishment, an extension of the restrictions laid out by Abe's own parents; the fact that it appears in a movie that they would no doubt revile is worth noting.
PM: It's possible to see Mr. Punishment as a phallic extension of the "Castrating Mother” figure.
JL: Yes.
PM: Which supports your theory about the film as a symbolic act of self-castration.
Carrozza's Unattainable Self displays one of its many talents.
JL: It's also worthy of study that there is no father figure in this film - unless you count the Woodsman.
PM: Jules has chosen to play this part of “mama” himself. In addition to alluding to the god-like authoritative powers that a director wields over a work of cinema, “mama” is something of a sacred androgynie who has transcended either sex. Fittingly, the nurturing qualities of motherhood have been inverted. This mother gives Red food only to feed an ailing grandmother, not herself. Taking all this into consideration, I believe that “mama” is the castrated J.L. Carrozza himself.
JL: Good point. There's also a hint of dependency on the mother's end, and not just for this reason. There's an urgency to keep Red's exposure to the outside world limited, por exemplo: Highlights for Children. While Mama chooses to observe the world through a skewed looking glass: in this case - Weekly World News. Don't even get me started on the reality phases that the wolf passes through after the shotgun attack.
PM: I think the Highlights for Children magazine represents Red's Edenic, pre-fall state of ignorance over the fundamental truths of human sexuality. But at the end of this film, we have all gained some small modicum of insight into its complex nature.
JL: Good call.
PM: By all rights, Abe's next film should further explore the complexities of female sexuality.
JL: Oh, I think so too.
PM: If he wishes to continue to mine classic fairy tales for inspiration, I would recommend to him such stories as "The Princess and the Pea." In any event, Little Red Riding Hood marks an enormous artistic leap forward for J.L. Carrozza. The film is thematically and technically light years ahead of earlier works such as "The Big Toe." I am very much looking forward to the fantastic tales he may yet weave.
JL: Will he be able to do so with his next movie, Film Club? Either way, we'd like to thank J.L. Carrozza/Kojiro Abe for providing this dark alleyway of thought through which we have strolled today, both as observers and participants.
Return of Sexy Mensch
Well, I didn't make it to that rad zombie double feature I boasted about, and in the words of Danny Tanner, it was much to my blustery chagrin. This isn't really something to go to alone; you need a pack of rascals, which I was without! Either that or, like in Demons, you need to be a big black pimp with a couple of unbeweaveable nubian queens.
Back to reality, far away from imagining the botched skyline of a fictional Louisville under the dark crimson oppression of rock and roll zombies. About a month and a half ago, I made a post in these hallowed halls about the late Kojiro Abe's (now officially J.L. Carrozza) teaser for his newest short Little Red Riding Hood.
The Man of the Hour himself
Well, as foretold by some ancient hovering alien prophecy, the film itself has finally dropped. It's a doozy. Our boi wonder has come a long way from The Big Toe and Agony & Ecstacy of the Puppets (though no title will ever really reach those heights again). I'm not going to sit here and suck his 19 year-old cock, but some of this gets my pants tight.
Volume One
Volume Two
Bonus sentence: I might actually return one of these Netflix discs if I ever square off 2.5 hours to watch this Akshay Kumar ghetto Bollywood epic.
Back to reality, far away from imagining the botched skyline of a fictional Louisville under the dark crimson oppression of rock and roll zombies. About a month and a half ago, I made a post in these hallowed halls about the late Kojiro Abe's (now officially J.L. Carrozza) teaser for his newest short Little Red Riding Hood.
The Man of the Hour himself
Well, as foretold by some ancient hovering alien prophecy, the film itself has finally dropped. It's a doozy. Our boi wonder has come a long way from The Big Toe and Agony & Ecstacy of the Puppets (though no title will ever really reach those heights again). I'm not going to sit here and suck his 19 year-old cock, but some of this gets my pants tight.
Volume One
Volume Two
Bonus sentence: I might actually return one of these Netflix discs if I ever square off 2.5 hours to watch this Akshay Kumar ghetto Bollywood epic.
28.8.06
Be 'Dere
Louisville double feature tonight. Hot, hot, hot.
This might call for the smuggling in of "malt licka."
This might call for the smuggling in of "malt licka."
25.8.06
24.8.06
23.8.06
22.8.06
The Emperor's New Throne
I'll admit it, I'm a complete savage. For someone that spends a lot of time working (read: jacking off) and playing (read: jacking off) at his computer desk, I've been spending the last couple of years doing so in a chair straight out of a prison flick. Hard, wooden, and not afraid to be turned on its top and sat on, I think it was making getting stuff done in here both more difficult and less erotic than it should have been.
So, I decided to get an office chair today. Not just an office chair, but an executive office chair. Now I have some semblance of fabricated authority when asking my mom for a milkshake, or telling my dog to get out of my room. For your enjoyment, I've included a picture of the new throne, which I took from the box and put together with my blood, sweat, and the tiny allen wrench enclosed therein.
Far be it from me to not also brighten your day with another clipping from the Galactic Ghetto Sketchbook®. This one shows our hero Pat Sanders in his most notorious of environs: The Dungeon (R.I.P.).
Like the others, this is dated to 200x, roughly. Probably around '02.
So, I decided to get an office chair today. Not just an office chair, but an executive office chair. Now I have some semblance of fabricated authority when asking my mom for a milkshake, or telling my dog to get out of my room. For your enjoyment, I've included a picture of the new throne, which I took from the box and put together with my blood, sweat, and the tiny allen wrench enclosed therein.Far be it from me to not also brighten your day with another clipping from the Galactic Ghetto Sketchbook®. This one shows our hero Pat Sanders in his most notorious of environs: The Dungeon (R.I.P.).
Like the others, this is dated to 200x, roughly. Probably around '02.
19.8.06
Okay, Forget Snakes on a Plane
This is the snake that my erotic dollar is most primed to go to next:BLACK SNAKE MOAN
Henshin Pimp himself and I have been excited about this one since we read the title and the premise sometime last year. AOOOOWWW MAKE MAH BLACK SNAKE MOOOOOAAAAANNN.
Another Sam Jackson treasure, no doubt.
Here's an eloquent synopsis, with some additions peppered in by myself (these sections are in red): BLACK SNAKE MOAN Centers on a white nymphomaniac (Ricci) who must be cured of her sexy disorder by an old grody black bluesman (Jackson). She trudges through the swamps and finds his nasty cabin, wherein he proceeds to treat her through the power of his black snake - make it mooooaaaaaaaaaan.
18.8.06
It Won the Oscar… for Best Movie Ever Made
Thursday night 10:30 Snakes on a Plane showing in Louisville, Kentucky. For tonight, suburban doodoo-plex Tinseltown transformed into a theater in (white) Harlem. It was a boombox and twenty-five black people away from being a scene out of Berry Gordy's The Last Dragon. Any other movie and it wouldn't have flown, but this one made me want to bust out the popcorn chopsticks.It's exactly what you expected it to be. I'm sure Ronny Yu's version would have been a riot, but David R. Ellis running shit isn't a bad thing. Final Destination 2 had some of the best individual death scenes since the first couple of Omen flicks, and Snakes on a Plane has enough wild and ridiculous deaths to keep you rolling in the aisles.
Good news: they play the retarded story out with straight faces. They even threw David Koechner in there for good measure. This movie will probably lose something away from a room full of morons and a large Coke loaded with liquor, but why bother any other way?
16.8.06
Galactic Ghetto Sketchbook: On Pat Sanders…
Again, circa 200x.
Lettering and digital touch-up by Joseph Luster (2006)
Lettering and digital touch-up by Joseph Luster (2006)
13.8.06
Gavan Dynamic! [part two of ???]
The saga continues…
Space Sheriff Spirits may, much like Cybermorph on the Atari Jaguar, be The First Game™ (all proceeds for this phrase are funneled directly into Dave Halverson's hairy anus). But before I get into its essential radness, I think I should take some time to wipe the grime off and list a couple of things I would have done differently.
• There's only one part of the game in which you get to summon Doru and jump on his head for some badass robot-dragon fighting action, but you don't even get to control it! On that note, you also never get to ride around on Cyberian or drive your Suzuki Samurai. I wish everything I was typing was a pack of lies, but my name isn't Marianne Williamson.
• It could have used some sort of hub world like the Avalon Club where you could stroll around as Retsu and maybe comb horse hairs or play soccer with little Japanese boys in short pants. Gavan could use some downtime to think about life or maybe update his blog.
• Everything is too easy until the end of the Spirits mode. Ironically, they made Machiko Soga really fucking hard to kill.
Tune in next time as the exciting coverage continues and the Big Questions are answered! Now, I know what you're all asking yourselves right about now: "Where the heck are my ding dang Gavan scans?"
As promised… more!
Click the thumbs and you'll be taken to Flickr where you can make them grow like Bandora.
Space Sheriff Spirits may, much like Cybermorph on the Atari Jaguar, be The First Game™ (all proceeds for this phrase are funneled directly into Dave Halverson's hairy anus). But before I get into its essential radness, I think I should take some time to wipe the grime off and list a couple of things I would have done differently.
• There's only one part of the game in which you get to summon Doru and jump on his head for some badass robot-dragon fighting action, but you don't even get to control it! On that note, you also never get to ride around on Cyberian or drive your Suzuki Samurai. I wish everything I was typing was a pack of lies, but my name isn't Marianne Williamson.
• It could have used some sort of hub world like the Avalon Club where you could stroll around as Retsu and maybe comb horse hairs or play soccer with little Japanese boys in short pants. Gavan could use some downtime to think about life or maybe update his blog.
• Everything is too easy until the end of the Spirits mode. Ironically, they made Machiko Soga really fucking hard to kill.
Tune in next time as the exciting coverage continues and the Big Questions are answered! Now, I know what you're all asking yourselves right about now: "Where the heck are my ding dang Gavan scans?"
As promised… more!
Click the thumbs and you'll be taken to Flickr where you can make them grow like Bandora.
12.8.06
Gavan Dynamic! [part one of ???]
Today, as Ice Cube would say, was a good day. I finally got my Space Sheriff Spirits game in the mail. Any later and we'd all be stuck in Maku Space with no one to blame but the US Post Office and those cute little trucks they drive. As much as I'd love to say that I bought an import PS2 for "Platinum Hits" like Zombie Vs. Ambulance and Chikyuu Boeigun 2, I can now step out of denial and into the proud, looming shadow of Self-Satisfaction.
So begins my multi-part coverage of the intricate and, well, dynamic world of Space Sheriff Spirits, in which you get all Captain N with some of Gavan and Friend's greatest episodes. That's right folks, toe-to-toe with Double Monsters and ass-to-mouth with Don Horror himself.
Throughout this epic series (so epic, in fact, that you'll note the length of said coverage has yet to be determined), I'll be scanning in almost every page of the exciting bonus booklet the game came with, culminating in a full-on translation of the intense comic within the page's confines!
Let's get started. Keep in mind, this booklet is tiny, so these are about as nice as the scans are gonna get:
Click on the thumbs and you'll be taken to Flickr, where you can enlarge them to their max size.
So begins my multi-part coverage of the intricate and, well, dynamic world of Space Sheriff Spirits, in which you get all Captain N with some of Gavan and Friend's greatest episodes. That's right folks, toe-to-toe with Double Monsters and ass-to-mouth with Don Horror himself.
Throughout this epic series (so epic, in fact, that you'll note the length of said coverage has yet to be determined), I'll be scanning in almost every page of the exciting bonus booklet the game came with, culminating in a full-on translation of the intense comic within the page's confines!
Let's get started. Keep in mind, this booklet is tiny, so these are about as nice as the scans are gonna get:
Click on the thumbs and you'll be taken to Flickr, where you can enlarge them to their max size.
11.8.06
Catmandoo-doo
Reading my friend Matthew's latest blog inspired me to comment with a classic story of cat shit courtesy of Canaan & me (sort of like The King & I but sexier… and I'm the king since this is my fucking blog). I couldn't let this pass without posting the story here, if not just for future generations to learn how to properly treat exchange students.
• • •
When my friend Canaan and I were freshmen in high school, he had a German exchange student living with him. On the eve of the homecoming dance, we decided it would be "funny" to put some cat shit in the front pocket of his clean cords (that's some slang some of you squares might not get, so I'll just say "pants" from here on out if I need to).
Incidentally, his sister had flown in from Deutschland to see him for a weekend, because he had been holed up with us playing X-Wing vs. Tie Fighter on Canaan's PC for weeks; something that would turn most mortals into invalids instantaneously. As devious as we fancied ourselved, Canaan and I couldn't have foreseen how fantastically that evening's events would have turned out.
The rest of this story was relayed to us via his exchange student's puttering profanities, because we were way too cool to be caught dead in some lame-ass dance, and were probably kicking cans or something equally rad with our gang of fellow "deviants."
As it turns out, whilst dancing with his (hot) sister from "za muzzerland," he reached his sweaty hands into his pockets, reluctantly and unexpectedly grabbing hold of two to three balls of shitty cat shit, which (and this is on Biblical Record) smells the worst of all shits.
He was horrified at this and, most eye-rollingly, felt betrayed by his American "compadres." At a family meeting that night which was at his behest, he really spread it out on the table for us (not the shit itself, which might have actually been a manful form of revenge, but his disgust with our actions), declaring that, "Zees ees FUCK!"
Sure, it was fuck, you krazy kraut; It was fucking funny!
• • •
When my friend Canaan and I were freshmen in high school, he had a German exchange student living with him. On the eve of the homecoming dance, we decided it would be "funny" to put some cat shit in the front pocket of his clean cords (that's some slang some of you squares might not get, so I'll just say "pants" from here on out if I need to).
Incidentally, his sister had flown in from Deutschland to see him for a weekend, because he had been holed up with us playing X-Wing vs. Tie Fighter on Canaan's PC for weeks; something that would turn most mortals into invalids instantaneously. As devious as we fancied ourselved, Canaan and I couldn't have foreseen how fantastically that evening's events would have turned out.
The rest of this story was relayed to us via his exchange student's puttering profanities, because we were way too cool to be caught dead in some lame-ass dance, and were probably kicking cans or something equally rad with our gang of fellow "deviants."
As it turns out, whilst dancing with his (hot) sister from "za muzzerland," he reached his sweaty hands into his pockets, reluctantly and unexpectedly grabbing hold of two to three balls of shitty cat shit, which (and this is on Biblical Record) smells the worst of all shits.
He was horrified at this and, most eye-rollingly, felt betrayed by his American "compadres." At a family meeting that night which was at his behest, he really spread it out on the table for us (not the shit itself, which might have actually been a manful form of revenge, but his disgust with our actions), declaring that, "Zees ees FUCK!"
Sure, it was fuck, you krazy kraut; It was fucking funny!
8.8.06
Express
Here is Düdü Blaq & Dirty Earl's little-known but classic 1986 short comic, "Express." The translation may not be perfect, but I think it should suffice. I passed it on to the author/illustrator team themselves via email, and their response was a gracious one. It was actually on their recommendation that I flipped the panels to the Western left to right format, Accept this domestic premiere as one with their explicit approval, and enjoy the story!
Recommended for a mature audience.
Title Page
Page One
Page Two
Page Three
Page Four
Page Five
Page Six
Recommended for a mature audience.
Title Page
Page One
Page Two
Page Three
Page Four
Page Five
Page Six
The Perpetual Coming Attraction
I think all I'm going to do from now on is forecast future projects and updates without ever really following through. Then again, I did eventually post more Slamm Dunk as promised (after months).
Coming up soon is a translation of the 1986 Düdü Blaq/Dirty Earl short story "Express." There's been a lot of demand for their more well-known grotesque tales like "It's My Body, It's My Choice" or "Destiny Fuck," but those are greater undertakings and they'll have to wait. Besides, they have a pretty huge catalogue of comics that haven't had any exposure in the US, and that's not even including their near-endless collection of Tales of Big Man Face strips.
Coming up soon is a translation of the 1986 Düdü Blaq/Dirty Earl short story "Express." There's been a lot of demand for their more well-known grotesque tales like "It's My Body, It's My Choice" or "Destiny Fuck," but those are greater undertakings and they'll have to wait. Besides, they have a pretty huge catalogue of comics that haven't had any exposure in the US, and that's not even including their near-endless collection of Tales of Big Man Face strips.
7.8.06
6.8.06
Rad Website Ahoy
I've had enough of messing around with the look of this site, and I finally settled on something today. Pretty sexy, right?
You can also officially reach this page through http://www.josephluster.com now. Finally, The World's Most Important Website had harnessed The World's Most Powerful URL. See also: search feature. Was this an in-demand feature, or what? Yeah (I'm retarded. I forgot that the blogger nav bar previously on top had a search on it).
Let me know if it tickles your balls, or if you want it to be pink again, you fruitcakes.
You can also officially reach this page through http://www.josephluster.com now. Finally, The World's Most Important Website had harnessed The World's Most Powerful URL. See also: search feature. Was this an in-demand feature, or what? Yeah (I'm retarded. I forgot that the blogger nav bar previously on top had a search on it).
Let me know if it tickles your balls, or if you want it to be pink again, you fruitcakes.
5.8.06
That Big Oh-Oh
Well, we tried to upload the rough cut of Big Man Face: The Movie onto YouTube, but since it exceeds the ten minute mark by about six, I don't think they accepted it. Who knows when it's going to get the full studio treatment, so we'll probably put this cut on Myspace (a small, underground site) sometime soon to get Face Fever flowing again.
In the meantime, I'll be doing scanlations of some of Düdü Blaq & Dirty Earl's original 4-panel BMF gag strips. My knowledge of Japanese isn't very proficient, but most of the words they used were "ugh," "doody," and other stuff like that.
Also, let me know if there's any interest in reading their first work, Doo-Doo Bears Don't Ask Twice (literal English translation), though I may need some help with that one.
In the meantime, I'll be doing scanlations of some of Düdü Blaq & Dirty Earl's original 4-panel BMF gag strips. My knowledge of Japanese isn't very proficient, but most of the words they used were "ugh," "doody," and other stuff like that.
Also, let me know if there's any interest in reading their first work, Doo-Doo Bears Don't Ask Twice (literal English translation), though I may need some help with that one.
3.8.06
Take Back the Skies
This may be a controversial statement, but I have to come out and finally pledge my support of the government's campaign against video games. The harsh reality of it struck me the other day while driving. A news chopper caught my eye as it reported traffic conditions, but its invaluable service to the community at large was the last thing on my mind. I couldn't think of anything else but fighting it until it exploded.
Naturally, the sordid world of video-gaming has conditioned me to the violent impulse to destroy all helicopters at sight. Acclaimed series like Devil May Cry, Metal Gear Solid and Ninja Gaiden have been training our nation to resist what is, in reality, a completely fabricated threat. Still, we're put through boot camp daily, and the regimen stresses an "any means necessary" sort of thinking. Whether they are dismantled by sword, gun, or fisticuffs is completely up to the individual.
What these games haven't been teaching us is how to own up to the risks involved.
Television isn't any more innocent a medium. On Fox's critically acclaimed show 24, federal agent Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) took down helicopters by himself on many separate occasions, each of which was vividly and awesomely documented. Even the video game (taking place between the second and third seasons) featured multiple stages pitting the player, in one instance as Jack Bauer and in another as Tony Almeida, against battle-armed choppers.
Aside from 24, most of these products originated in Japan. How many helicopters do you see flying around that island?
None.
Don't let anyone tell you it hasn't always been this way, though. Aside from the rare and rad occasion (like Airwolf or Cobra Command), helicopters have stayed our enemy for decades. Just look at something like Double Dragon II (pictured), in which we see a chopper continually dropping enemies out on a rooftop, leading to a crescendo in the form of a two-on-one boss fight.
Recent games, such as Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter, have attempted to put you back in control of the ghetto bird. Sadly, Ubisoft's plan backfired, because that game is too fucking hard.
Naturally, the sordid world of video-gaming has conditioned me to the violent impulse to destroy all helicopters at sight. Acclaimed series like Devil May Cry, Metal Gear Solid and Ninja Gaiden have been training our nation to resist what is, in reality, a completely fabricated threat. Still, we're put through boot camp daily, and the regimen stresses an "any means necessary" sort of thinking. Whether they are dismantled by sword, gun, or fisticuffs is completely up to the individual.What these games haven't been teaching us is how to own up to the risks involved.
Television isn't any more innocent a medium. On Fox's critically acclaimed show 24, federal agent Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) took down helicopters by himself on many separate occasions, each of which was vividly and awesomely documented. Even the video game (taking place between the second and third seasons) featured multiple stages pitting the player, in one instance as Jack Bauer and in another as Tony Almeida, against battle-armed choppers.
Aside from 24, most of these products originated in Japan. How many helicopters do you see flying around that island?
None.
Don't let anyone tell you it hasn't always been this way, though. Aside from the rare and rad occasion (like Airwolf or Cobra Command), helicopters have stayed our enemy for decades. Just look at something like Double Dragon II (pictured), in which we see a chopper continually dropping enemies out on a rooftop, leading to a crescendo in the form of a two-on-one boss fight.Recent games, such as Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter, have attempted to put you back in control of the ghetto bird. Sadly, Ubisoft's plan backfired, because that game is too fucking hard.
Pre-season Predictions
These bold estimations come courtesy of our own resident sports stats swami, Patrick George (pronounced 'Gay-Org') Sanders. Looks rough, but I have higher hopes than this cynical sideline-hound:I think that Joseph Luster actually has a really vicious schedule this season (Home games in bold, w/ my predictions in parentheses):
Week One: Sleeping in (W)
Week Two: Watching cartoons (W)
Week Three: Going to Best Buy to look at DVD's (L)
Week Four: Building toy robots (L)
Week Five: Holding hands with John Wishon (L)
Week Six: Lifting milk cartons as if they were weights (W)
Week Seven: Considering employment (L)
Week Eight: Come up with a zany comic idea (Home Coming Game) (W)
Week Nine: Polish glasses (L)
Week Ten: Wax B.B. gun (W)
I don't think that Mr. Luster is Bowl-bound.
Update: Upon further review of Joseph Luster's schedule I would like to rescind my previous statement. Clearly Joseph can win Week 7's matchup against "Consideration of Employment." This would make Mr. Luster 6-4 on the season, thus being bowl eligible. Las Vegas odds-makers are forecasting Luster to end up in the Jerry Green Bowl against "Watch Pat Make Out with Some Nasty Old Chicks, and then Vomit on Himself" out of the BDC (Baby Dick Conference). Luster is a 3-1/2 pt favorite.
1.8.06
We Are, We Are On The Cruise
The Joseph Luster Report is tweaking into a whole new era (G-funk; step to this, I dare ya). I'm taking this blog onto a whole new level (the rhythm is the bass and the bass is the treble).
Come with Joey Coco - where rhythm is life… and life is rhythm:
That's right, it's time for Season Three of the Joseph Luster Report. Coming up this season: Gas Baby, Slamm Dunk, East Coast Revengers, Wayne Wonder, Celebrity Interviews, and more!
Come with Joey Coco - where rhythm is life… and life is rhythm:
That's right, it's time for Season Three of the Joseph Luster Report. Coming up this season: Gas Baby, Slamm Dunk, East Coast Revengers, Wayne Wonder, Celebrity Interviews, and more!
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